Saturday, December 22, 2012

"I’m not fake, don’t ever call me lazy, I won’t stay put, give me the chance to be free"

I can't do this anymore. I just simply cannot do this. I can't. I can't be strong. I'm not strong. Everyone keeps on telling me how strong I am, and how I'm a warrior, and stuff. No, I'm not. Because you don't see what happens behind closed doors. You don't see how I fall down on my face when I'm alone. You don't see how it hurts on the inside. You don't see the pain. You don't see the struggle. You can't tell that my thoughts overwhelm me at times. You wanna know why I randomly start grabbing at my hair and tugging my sleeves and the ends of my shirt in such a panicky/nervous fashion, or why I suddenly start breathing way harder and faster than normal, and I get all snippy and short and annoyed at everything? Yeah, that's a panic attack. That's the result of feeling like a failure, and a freak, and an unclean sinner, and a horrible person, and like a lazy good for nothing pile of crap, and then trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be ok, and I can be free, when I feel so enslaved and trapped that I can't. Ok? Cause that's how I feel on the inside. I'm really messed up. My life, this situation, it's all messed up. And it has now gotten to the point where I can't fix it, or hide it. I used to be able to hide all my struggles really really well. But then it started driving me crazy, and I couldn't do it. The filth had to come out. I'm trying so hard to wear my heart on my sleeve b/c I know that's the only way to get healing, but I can't do this. I can't cover it up, I can't forget about it, and I can't wear it like a scar. I'm broken. Really really broken. And I'm unfixable  This mess is too big. "It's not too big for God!", you might say. Yeah, ok. Sure. You know, I've heard that before. But no matter how many times I life my eyes to Him, the struggle doesn't change. It stays the same. I still struggle with the same stuff. I'm unfixable. My heart is forever broken, and I can't figure out a healthy way to cope. What's it gonna take before people realize I'm not the cause of all of this? I've TRIED taking responsibility for my problems. The depression, illness, etc.: NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! Yet, everyone makes it sound like I'm still in this because of something I did. Whatever. Believe what you want, but you're wrong. Blame who you want, but you're wrong. This isn't any ones fault-not mine, not anyone else's. I need a fix to this problem. I need a solution. But don't you dare tell me the answer is in myself, cause it's not. Believe me, I've searched inside and out, and it's nowhere to be found in me. I wanna cry for help, but I'm sick of crying. Gosh, I'm sick of complaining. I'm sickening myself with this. This post is done. I am officially done as of now. Thanks for reading. Comment, pray, whatever. I don't care.

:P Sami

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"Up from the ashes, a fire is woken.......Cause though we are broken, We're becoming the chosen "


I should be doing homework. I should be getting my stuff done so that I can go bowling with a group of high school band students that are visiting. I should be focused. I shouldn't be wasting time.

I should be happy. I shouldn't be so upset over this. I shouldn't be upset at all. There are people out there with much worse problems than my selfish stupid insecurities, and issues. There are so many other things to focus my attention on. Poverty, starving children, people even in our own city who are struggling. I should be focused on helping them. I shouldn't be so self centered.

But I really just can't shake this. Is this because I missed my counseling appointment today? Is it because I missed the appointment last week as well due to break? Is it because my heart is breaking for one of my friends who had to leave campus for the week because she was hurting so much? Is it because a few of my friends heard most of my testimony and know every secret I have? Is it because I feel so vulnerable? Is that what this empty gut/heart feeling is? Nothings filling it. I pray, but it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. It also feels like my trying is adding up to nothing. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't help. Others can help for a moment, but it's not long after that that things get rocky again. I'm struggling......and it's lonely. No matter what I tell others, no matter what I do about the situation, it still sucks. It just.....whatever. i don't even care anymore. I'm done. screw it all.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

"Sparks fly when we touch, It was never enough, It was just a crush"

Hello blogger world! I know, I haven't posted on here in forever! But, don't be sad, friends, because today, I'm going to talk to you about one subject that almost all girls can relate to: Boys. *Gasp!* Boys? OMG what Hottie McHottie do you have a mega crush on? Is he like, totes amazzzzze?? Ok, so, obviously I'm making a little bit of fun of the subject. :) And, if you do talk like that, than I'm sorry. Not trying to be offensive, just trying to have a little fun. :)

So, why am I talking about this, you may ask? Well, I'm talking about boys, or guys if that sounds better, because romance is something we ALL deal with, whether it be in heartbreak, heartache, love, crush, or just being happy being single. We all go through this kind of stuff, and we all deal with it, some in different ways than others. For me, I've had lots and lots of crushes over the years. But never a boyfriend. Of course, being 19 and having my life somewhat resemble the movie "Never Been Kissed" to some point can be difficult. I mean, I see my friends all, I guess for lack of a better word, "exploring" the world of dating. They go out, have fun, etc., etc. So why make such a big deal of this? Because. I mean, I'm honestly a hopeless romantic at heart. And I always see these romantic movies where the guy pursues the girl, who for some reason seems to think she's ugly when she's like a freaking super model, and everything always seems to work out in the end, no matter how imperfect the relationship had been throught the course of the movie, no matter how many times they fought, kissed, broke up, ignored each other, despised each other, and whatever else you can possibly think of, they always end up together. Which, I mean, I love that they are trying to show that relationships can work out and all, don't get me wrong. But what about those of us who are the real life girls who don't see ourselves as beautiful? What about those of us without perfect skin, or perfect bodies? What about those of us that are too shy to even speak up about we feel at the risk of getting rejected or made fun of? I don't know, maybe its just me, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I have the same personality as one of those shy girls that always ends up breaking out of her shell by the end of the movie, and yet in real life my prince charming is either nowhere to be seen or not interested. Am I the only one who feels the way? I mean, I used to HATE romantic movies because everything seemed so fake and mushy. I guess I still don't like movies that are purely romantic and dramatic. I'm sorrry if you like those movies, but they bother me so freaking much. I'd much rather sit down and watch a romantic comedy about some girl who is too scared to admit how she feels to the one she loves, trips and falls all over things, and is an amazing person that either just doesn't know how amazing they are, or is too afraid to own it. I guess I like that kind of character the best because that's how I act most of the time! I guess I just wished that the fairy tale, Hollywood ending would just happen to me, you know? Ok, admittedly, I just went on a bit of a rant there. Sorry. :)

So, now that we've covered the subject of romance in the movies (well, at least a smidgen of that subject), let's move onto the next subject that I have personally dealt with quite a bit in my life: unrequited love. Or, as it is more commonly known, crushes. Let's cut right to they chase on this one. They can either be super fun and awesome, or they can really REALLY suck. This is something at one point we have all either gone through, going to go through, or are going through. Now, those of us that have been there know that it's called a crush for a reason. What, you may ask, is that reason? Well, to answer your question, it is called a crush because it crushes you. Sounds painful, right? Well, in some cases, it is. But that doesn't mean all love like feelings are bad. Take it from a girl who has so been there before.

This calls for story time!! ;) All throughout my childhood, I had a crush on a boy. Since I was 3 or 4 years old, to be exact. Sounds a bit crazy, right? But it's not like it was always the same boy. But there was ALWAYS a crush that was either developing, fully grown, or in the downward spiral part of it all. It wasn't that sucky or anything, but it got old as time went on. Its like I was constantly searching for true love. Romance became more and more disappointing because I always got my hopes up for it, and every time, it'd never happen. Over time, I've begun to believe that the reason for this is because God has someone special for me, and that I shouldn't waste all my time on meaningless crushes that just resolve in heartache or heartbreak. But it isn't that easy to just turn off our hearts like that. I don't believe we were meant to shut off our hearts when something goes wrong. I believe we were meant to take those hardships and experiences, work through them, learn lessons in the process, and come out on the other end stronger than before. I think that applies to anything, not just love or crushes. Anyways, where were we again? Oh yeah, my non-existent love life. Well, it existed for me, but it didn't with the guys I liked.

That brings me to nowadays. Currently, I don't have a crush on anyone. Well, at least I thought I didn't. Now I'm not even sure. I mean, there is this one guy, but that's just a long story I don't feel like explaining. It's been so long since I've had a crush that I have no idea the difference between a crush and an interest is. However, I can say that I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm taking time to mentally recover from a physical illness, let my heart heal from hurts and scrapes from the past, and just learn who I am in the Lord. Not who a guy says I am, or who my friends say I am or should be, but who I am; who I was created to be. But believe me, if I fall in love, or go through heartache, all y'all will definitely hear about it!!

But, until then, I'll leave you with some advice. To those of you that are going through a crush, whether it be good or bad, or are hurting from a crush, if things don't exactly work out the way you have planned, don't give up on love, have faith, TAKE TIME TO RECOVER AND HEAL YOUR HEART, and then restart. But don't rush. I emphasized the take your time part for a reason. :) Just know that no matter what happens, you'll be fine in the end. Believe me, I know exactly what it feels like to fall for someone, and have it end up breaking every inch of your heart. I just recently started to feel whole again after having my heart really broken, and I know it hurts and takes a lot of time, but trust me. Everything that's happening is happening for a reason. And you'll be just fine in the end. :) Don't give up.

To those of you that have never ever ever had a crush, don't feel pressure to. There is no rush. Believe me, it is much better to be interested in no one at all then to worry, and panic, and then go from feeling like your heart is melting around them to feeling like a complete heartbroken fool. Whether you just haven't found someone that has caught your interest like that yet, or you just don't get the point of a crush, don't think too much about it. Let it happen when it happens, no matter what age you are. Just keep being yourself, and enjoy your life just the way it is. Besides, you have your whole life to think about love. The only love you need to fill your mind and heart with is the love of Jesus. :)

Well, sorry to cut this short, guys, but I could go on and on with this subject forever in so many different ways, and I just really don't feel like doing that today.

Well, as always, I have a few subject related song for you guys. Hopefully they help you in your current situation, or at least give you support or encouragement. Enjoy! :)

This song is just plain cute. :) It is currently one of my favorite love/crush songs. :)

You know that "crushing" part of crushes I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's what this song describes. "I wasn't really in love...."

"Fear Is Just A Lie, Open Up Your Eyes"

Alright, the question needs to be asked. Am I the only one who even reads this? I mean, if so, then I may just continue posting whatever is on my heart, but if not, then I may start being a bit more selective about what I say. But here's the thing: I don't want to be constantly self-conscious about what I write. Can't I just be honest without the fear of being judged, or mocked, or ridiculed? Besides, where does this fear of what everyone else thinks even stem from, anyways? I mean, yes, when I originally started this blog like 3 years ago, my intention for it was to be more like an open diary. But, now that I'm finding that an open diary is a stupid idea for the most part, I've changed it a bit. I mean, I'm still honest in it like a diary, but I want to use it for inspiring others instead.

Maybe it still is an open diary, but just in a different format. Anyways, why am I even contemplating all of this? What does it even matter? Look, bottom line is that my goal is to help others, whether it be through this blog, in person, whatever. So I'm going to continue writing about what matters to me, and if it helps someone through a rough time or inspires them, awesome! If not, too bad! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am putting my foot down. I just can't keep trying to impress people by saying what I think they want me to say. I need to be real. And the stuff I've been writing more and more recently (as in last September to now)? That's me being real. Or, at least, learning to be. Even if my thoughts are not actually private here, I'm still gonna pretend they are. I'd rather be fearless, say what I want, and have people hate me for it, then sit back and just let everyone dictate what I like, or think about, and be walked all over.

Aghhhhh. Judgmental people who have NO idea of the situation that is going on in someone's heart/life, yet continue to sit back and judge as if they are God themselves just freaking annoy me. You have no right to judge my past, or my life, and (pardon my language) you sure as hell have no business assuming that my future will be like my past. I KNOW and BELIEVE that my past is my past, and I am free from that because of Jesus!!! You have absolutely no idea about half of the things I've dealt with in my life OTHER than illness!! So please quit acting like you know me. You really don't. I swore I'd never be a girl that wrote one of those "none of you know me, blah blah blah whatever" speeches like this, but I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner, and pushed up into the wall. I'm at my breaking point, and instead of holding it all in and letting it take me down, I'm feeling it and dealing with it!!! This is me venting my feelings about just stupid crap that happens a LOT. And no, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm just being 100% honest. I'm just so sick of feeling as if everything I do and say just isn't spiritual enough, or perfect enough, or whatever. News flash: NO ONE except JESUS is PERFECT!!!! So PLEASE quit trying to make everyone feel bad about showing the scars on their hearts! I'm learning for me, the best way to break out of my shell and be fearless is to wear my heart on my sleeve, and be unashamed of my past! To all my friends who know me well, you know that I've struggled with shame, guilt, fear, rejection, and humiliation for a loooooooooong time now, and I'm just not gonna hold that back. Holding all that stuff back is what got me into trouble in the first place. So now, all that's left for me to do is to let it go, and feel the light come back into my heart. To feel His light in my heart is what I need. It's the only thing strong enough to break through the dark. And you know what? I've begun to actually feel healing in my heart from all this emotional and spiritual bondage now! It's amazing to me that I can actually be free from my past, but I'm learning I most definitely can be!! :D

Wow, that was a rant. How did I even get on that subject? Anyways, I have a lot I'd like to say, and if you stay tuned, and keep your ears and heart open, you'll learn a lot about me. I don't even know what this post is even about. I'm definitely ranting for no reason, and I can barely keep my eyes open. But, I feel it was important to get this all out. Oh, and by the way, a song did pop into my head as I was ranting. :) I'll post that below. :)

Thanks for reading my really random rant! Like I said, I'm exhausted, frustrated, and trying hard to stay optimistic. So, if you feel inclided to do so, prayer is always welcome!! :)

-Samiiiiiiii :)

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

"If I'm falling on my face, would your arms be open? Would you see me as broken?"

Why am I so scared?

That is the question that has been haunting my mind. Why? Why? Why do I let fear define me? I'm just so afraid of being myself. I want to show others who I am, but I don't even understand that myself. Who am I? I know, I know, I did this long blog post about who I am like a year ago, but I feel like a completely different person now, and I just want to know who I am.

This brings up another completely random, and unrelated topic. Why hasn't any boy ever taken any interest in me? I understood in High School that a boyfriend wasn't the best idea in that moment because I was dealing with so much other stuff. I understood that in middle school, elementary, and stuff I was just too young for that kind of stuff. But now I'm 20, and this is just plain painful. I've been putting myself out there, and putting my heart out on the line just to have it hang there. I feel like my heart has been suffocating, and is completely drained.

Even with this stupid boy I thought I liked. Ok, well, he's NOT stupid, I'm just frustrated. I suppose I missed my window of opportunity with him, but I just can't stand to give into something, let my heart get carried away, just to have nothing work out at all, and to have all this unresolved pain in my heart. He showed interest in me first, ok? I just wasn't ready at that time though, and he needs to understand that. Nothing wrong with him or whatever. MY heart was still in healing and in recovery. Then when I finally couldn't fight off the idea of liking him, and I finally just gave in, it hurt because he seemed like he no longer cared. Well, I am so freaking sorry, but I needed time to heal!! And now, I haven't got a clue if he likes me or not. This is all too much. I think it's time to move on, but he needs to know that there WAS a period of time when I really liked him back. Gosh, stupid boys. Stupid, stupid, annoying, distracting boys who want the perfectly skinny models. Whatever. I don't even wanna care about that anymore. But I can't help it. I may not be perfect, but I'm real. And in my eyes, I'd rather be real, and be beautiful and interesting because of that, instead of being a fake jerk. Whatever. I'm ranting, but I'm hurt, and confused, and frustrated. Gahhhhhhh!!!! Boys. :P

I'm drained. I'm sick of trying to make everyone like me. I'm sick of trying to be funny or whatever. I need to be real. Don't get me wrong, talking about old boy bands, songs, movies, and whatever else is fun, but I need to just open up and be real, and I feel like I can't. I feel surrounded by a sea of people, but none of them can see that I'm masking my heart. I feel like a fake half the time. Like if I showed everyone who I was, they would just walk away. I don't wanna push people away. So often I feel like God isn't exactly listening, or that He's just sick of me and my sinfulness, and He's just done with me. I know that I should know that's not at all how it is, but it's how it feels. What I feel is so real to me, and I feel like I must conceal it all behind these thick cement walls. I keep on going as if I have it all together, but the truth is, I'm freaking out. I even had a panic attack last night due to the fact that I feel like such a miserable failure, who just can't seem to get it right, and is faking. Yes, I am breaking apart, and I need some help staying together. I hate asking for any kind of help like this because I don't want others to see me as a whiny little baby who needs to grow up and get the heck over it, but there are times I just can't deny when I'm in pain, and need someone to lean on. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to rely on. (Oh wow, I'm gonna stop there. I got a bit too rhyme-y. haha)

But seriously. My best friends are in Kansas, Lincoln, and Texas. And the other person I felt close to here in Omaha has made it just a bit hard for me to fully trust them. I just want one person here to not leave me behind if I open up. I need someone who understands me. Someone I can fully relate to and have my OWN opinion around! I want to say what I want and feel and be able to still be loved and accepted. Not judged or anything. I've had enough judgement from others to last a life time. What I need now is someone to tell me I am strong, to tell me I am brave, and to see the warrior in me. I feel so looked down upon at times. Am I too nice? Is that it? I mean, I don't wanna be a witch, so I'm gonna be kind. But why is it that kindness and being walked all over tend to go hand in hand?

Don't push me around. I am my own person. Please respect that. I really would like some respect. Just like the song says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me". Cheesy and cliche? Yes. But as I have stated before, this is how I feel right now.

You know, I've never posted my own song lyrics on here out of the fear that someone would steal them, but I feel these lyrics fit the theme of this post. Besides, I'll just kick anyones butt who tries to steal them. I wrote this song back in December. It's called "Broken":

It’s hard
To admit when I’m in pain,
Cause in my mind
You’ll just walk away,
If I was honest
And told you about everything
Would still see me, the same

Have I fallen, too far to love?
I am broken, and can’t be enough,
How did I get here, feeling so alone?
I can’t see if you’re near, or if you’re gone

Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough,
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight, no

If I fell on my face,
Would you even notice?
If I spoke out of place,
Would you see me as broken?
Would you see me as broken

Was hard getting up
I felt
More like giving up,
So strange
When all you wanna do is cry
And sometimes,
It’s what I have to do to sleep at night

Oh, no
Have I fallen, too far to love?
I feel broken, and like I am not enough
For you, to finally see who I am
I just wish somehow, you could understand

Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight, no-oh


If it’s all still the same
Could you for a second please be open?
If I’m not too late
Would you help me when I’m broken

If I feel out of place
Would you let your arms be open
I’m ashamed and hid my face
Could you please tell me, I don’t have to stay broken?
Broken, no, I don’t wanna be broken, no, not, anymore

Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
No, I don’t wanna be broken, anymore, no, no

I am on my knees
Showing you I am open
To life where I
Don’t have to stay broken,

Where the fear subsides
And I am feeling hopeful,
Would please show me
What it feels like to be made whole, again.

©SamiMusic 2012

Well, now that you've gotten to read some of my open and a bit depressing lyrics, here are a few songs that came to mind while I was typing all of this.

It's a little cliche, but I don't care. It's real, and it's how I feel.

 "Why Not" be myself? :)

I feel this way a lot sometimes. It's a constant battle, and I'm feeling the pushing, pulling, and tugging of it all in my heart, mind, and spirit.

 Anyways, thank you all so much for reading this, and I hope you were either inspired, or felt you could relate in some way or another. If not, that's ok. It was more of a venting blog this time anyways. :)


Samiiiiiiiiiiiii :)