Friday, December 16, 2011

Never Alone

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of loneliness. You see, I don't know exactly where I'm going next in my life (college and career wise), so in the meantime I've been staying here at home helping with laundry, dishes, etc. I've talked to people about this. Ok, well, mainly my parents and one of my best friends. But the thing is, if I admit to feeling alone, does that make me weak and unable to take care of myself? Or does it make me brave for reaching out for help? Either way, it seems like almost every day has tears of some kind involved. I don't understand it. Back in February, when I had a break down and talked about how alone I felt just being at home w/ my mom (who used to work from home), being away from friends and all, I admitted that I had been battling depression. Someone has suggested that maybe I ask my doctor about clinical depression, but I really didn't want to because I just knew that it was only the situation. I had just signed up for a program called "Fresh Start", which helped a TON, but things seemed to turn a bit more dark in October when my mom left to work in the office. Now that she has to work in the there, and I've been here on my own until like 6 or 7 pm, I've been feeling extra lonely. I mean, I used to be able to talk to my mom when she was here. But now she's just too tired to talk. And now that one of my best friends (the one that I hung out with a TON last year) moved to a different state, and my other bff is in college, its just been hard. Its like everyone knows how to move on but me right now. I know that what I need to do is apply to college. But when everyone is asking about what I'm going to do next, and trying to preach at me and tell me where to go, I get confused. I don't want to get pressured into anything. I want this to be my decision.

Part of my wants to scream in this blog that I feel alone. And helpless. And like I need help and encouragement. And then there is another part of me that doesn't want to make a big deal over myself and get people all worried if this is going to go away quickly. I'm not sure if this is situation induced depression, or if it is actual depression that needs treatment. I feel like if things got better in my life, I would get better and not be as depressed as well. But I don't know. What if it comes back? What if the devil tries to use it against me again? I feel like the devil wants to keep me here in isolation forever so that he can ruin all the the Lord has done in my life. I want to fight back but when I am alone, I can't seem to find any motivation for anything, and I feel like I can't fight back. Like I'm vulnerable. I feel stuck in a sea of nothingness. It sucks. I just want some way out of this depression. I know that there is sunshine beyond this rain, but it feels like tunnel vision. In fact, I feel like at times that my eyes have been darkened, and that I'm the size of an insect, with rain pouring down everywhere trying to drown me in sorrow, and like I'm trapped until something or someone comes and sets me free, and brings me back to real life. I want to be heard. I need to be heard. I know I'm never alone because I have God, but how come it feels like He's just disappeared? I'm scared. And alone. And cold. I want to feel the warmth of His light again. I need Him. God, can you hear me? Can you see me? I NEED YOU!!! PLEASE rescue me, Lord!!!! This is me crying out for help, Lord!!!

I guess I just have to continue reminding myself that I'm not alone, and that this whole loneliness thing are just lies that the devil would love to make me believe. I will not believe those lies. I have to continue to fight. No matter what. I just have to keep holding on. I can make it. Because I have the Lord on my side, I will stay strong. He makes me strong. HE won't let me go. Not now, not ever.

This was more of a personal diary entry than a blog, so thank you so much if you read it, and if you didn't, thats cool too. lol. :)

Once again, thank you so much for reading this, fellow blog readers. :)

<3 Sami :)

I've been trying to listen to these songs for encouragement recently:
(hopefully they will encourage you too if you are going through a rough time)

Meredith Andrews-"You're Not Alone"

Meredith Andrews-"Can Anybody Hear Me"

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gift Of A Friend

The gift of a friend. What exactly does that mean? To me, it sounds like it means that friendship is a gift that should not be wasted or taken for granted. Think about it. A gift is something someone gives you. It is something that is received. When we think about friendship as being a gift, it reminds us that friendship is not always just assumed. True, different personalities play into this, but for most, whether you are super out going, or extremely shy, or just somewhere in between the two, a person's friendship is theirs to give, not ours to take. So why do we take advantage of it so much?

As a child, I struggles a LOT with finding good, solid friends that would stick with me for life. I was never mean to any of them, it's just that in their eyes, I wasn't fit to be part of their group or clique. My first best friend experience happened in 1st grade. This girl and I were pretty much best friends. Or so, that's how I saw it. The next year, this girl decided to not hang out with me as much, and start making someone else her best friend. Now, in elementary school, these kinds of things happen quite a bit. But for me, I wanted to be loyal. So seeing my best friend no longer have an interest in me was very hard to understand. I didn't quite get it, and at times, people had to flat out just tell me in a very harsh way that they just didn't like me anymore. Hurtful? Oh yes. Little did I know that scars were being left in my heart, and I would have to deal with this later in my life. After that, it seemed as if the pattern would just repeat over and over again each year until I just knew that I didn't really have a best friend. That's why I think it was so hurtful when I heard people say as kids that they were best friends. Because I didn't know how that felt or what it was really supposed to mean.

Later on, as I got older in elementary school, my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me, and I started to hang out a lot. We had a TON of play dates, we had sleepovers, etc., etc. We even started a band together and wrote 2 songs together. I can't even describe how fun that was. But I knew her and I both subtly "battled" all the time for control of the friendship. She had a strong will, and I knew because I was older, I didn't have to take it. So, at times, we butted heads. A lot..... But, the good news is that it never ruined our friendship. But I feel that I did later. I remember in 7th grade sitting in her dad's office, with just her and I alone, and I told her the hard news that I didn't want to be in a band with her anymore because I didn't like how she sang. I feel so stupid for acting so judgmental and jerk like. I was acting like exactly like the girls who had treated me badly as a kid, and told me they didn't like me right to my face. What a mean and horrible thing to do.
At times I wonder if I hadn't done that if her and I would have still been best friends. I wonder at times if she would have continued to work on her singing. I wonder if she would have not tried so hard to be different, but just know that she is perfectly fine just to way she is. I regret every day how I treated her. I just wish she could see how sorry I am that I pushed her away.
To that person, if you are reading this, I am so incredibly from the bottom of my heart sorry for the way I treated you. After all, didn't we always used to say that we were best friends/cousins/just-like-sisters? :) Either way, just know that I never meant to hurt you, not even back then. Love you. :)

Now, with that, lets continue. Throughout the rest of middle school/JR High, I still face the same old "lets be bffs this year, but I'll forget you next year" game, that is, up until 8th grade. In 8th grade, I got yet another taste of what a best friendship is like. I met Liv, and I re-united with Bai. :) Now, Liv was somewhat new to Omaha, and Bai and I had met in 2nd grade Sunday school. :) We were never "best best friends" as kids, but we did have a few play dates. :) I remember in 3rd grade, she came to the school I was at, but sadly, after 4th grade, she moved to Pennsylvania for 3 years. But, I knew that night when her & I sat on the front porch steps (we were part of a small 7th grade girls-before 8th grade- bible study) and talked literally from the time we re-united to the time my mom came to pick me up, there was something special there. :)

Little did I know that 2 years later, I would get sick, testing both of our faith and our friendship. I can say that everything we went through both together and apart during that time made our friendships stronger. Liv, Bai, & I were inseparable. That is, until Bai, my bff that I love like a sister, went off to college. I was scared that I was losing her. And I felt that if I didn't say something quickly, she'd lose me too. But, thankfully, we sorted it all out in a super duper long, yet extremely important and meaningful e-mail. I can say I love her like a sister more that ever, and I pray that nothing would ever tear us apart. Best friends for LIFE. Remember that, girl. I love you, a LOT!!!!!!! :))))))

Now, even though Bailey had left, I still had Liv. And her and I grew closer too, but she recently moved to TX to follow her dreams of being in fashion. :) Thankfully, I also now have a ton more friends in my college group at church that I hope to keep for life, and friends even outside of there.

You see, I've grown from the shy, scared, insecure(ok, so I still struggle with being insecure sometimes), clingy girl who just wanted to be loved, to a brave, confident, and strong young woman of God, who KNOWS that no matter what, she is loved. I am LOVED. No matter what. And all those scars that were marked on my heart, He has healed them. All of them. I love his healing. What a beautiful mystery it is. :)

So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is what I am thankful for: I can't describe to you how thankful I am for friends. I don't mean that in a vague or shallow way, either. I am truly, truly grateful for all of the friends the Lord has blessed me with. And I know now that the friendships that don't really exist anymore aren't because I caused it. It's because He allowed me to go in a different way so that I could meet friends that would love me for me. I now realize that He has blessed me in so many ways.

It's funny how as kids, we don't quite understand the value of friendship. And no, I don't mean value as in the happy meal or value menu at McDonald's. I mean the beauty, the love, the care, the GIFT of a friend. It's someone you can cry with for no reason. It someone you can trust in a time of need. It's someone you can laugh with over silly things, both big and little. It's someone to share joy with. Someone to listen. Someone to say, even if they don't know how to help yet, "I'm here for you". That's friendship. Celebrating moments together, praying for one another, going on crazy adventures together, that's friendship.

And you want to know something? There will be times in our lives where we will feel lonely. It will happen. But it doesn't mean you are alone. You are not forgotten. You are not nothing. You are a beautiful creation, made by the one and only God Almighty. HE created you, HE LOVES YOU, HE desires to be close to you. To have a friendship with you. In the end, even though we are being blessed with fellow human being to help us through life, they might fail you, but HE NEVER WILL. HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!! Don't give up hope.

"Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more"- Christina Perry, "A Thousand Years"
I feel like the Lord is saying this to you, and to me as well, as a testament of his undying, and unfailing love for you. He will never leave you. Just trust in him.

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

He's known us since before we were born, and has desired to show us His love from the second we were conceived.

Even if your friends and family leave you, HE never will. The ultimate best friend. He is truly our first example of what A Gift Of A Friend really is. His son Jesus is our gift. HE is the gift of a friend.

Friendship is a gift not to be wasted. Don't waste it or spend anymore time with out it. It is worth every bit of your heart. I promise, He will not break your heart. He only desires to mend it. :)

And that my friends is the most beautiful gift of all.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you were inspired, or started to perspire or something. :) Love you all. :)

<3 Sami :))))

Don't mean to have a cheesy ending to this, but listen to the words of this song:
"Gift Of A Friend" by Demi Lovato

(lyrics video version)

We Have a friend in Jesus. ALWAYS. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Who I Am

So, I know I said I have abandoned this blog, but I think it's time for it to have a "Fresh Start"......heehee. *hint hint*

I sort of had a breakthrough tonight. Via a mixture of multiple things tonight, I had a major sense of peace and understanding tonight. And here's why.

Over the past few weeks, I've struggled with what I thought was explainable depression. I tried to analyze the situation from every direction I could, however, that solved nothing. You see, my best friend is moving to Texas again. Last week she broke the news to me that she was accepting a job in Dallas to be a Jewelry Designing Apprentice. Now, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for her! We have been through so much together, and I want nothing more than to support her. However, I've been feeling strange about it. Or so I thought that's what it was. I thought my problem was that I wasn't handling this situation or change well. And, well, considering my past, I'd say that that would be a pretty accurate statement. But that still wasn't the problem. The problem was with myself. I was feeling insecure and unsure of who I was. And I was unable to see that this was true until I sat in a teen/college Fresh Start class, and heard a testimony of how someone was unsure of their-self due to a mentor that they were putting all their trust and approval in.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering what this could possible have to do with anything. But stay with me. There IS a point to all of this. You see, I realized in that moment that what I was dealing with wasn't necessarily change or worry of what I was going to do without her. I was worried about my identity. I was worried about who I had been, and who I was going to have to be from now on.

Identity is an issue of Shame. I was ashamed of my situation. I was embarrassed that despite how hard I have worked just to prove that I can and will graduate from high school--despite the many challenges I have faced, I still wasn't feeling accomplished, or "good enough". I found myself sitting in my chair asking over and over again, "Who Am I?" For the first time in my life, I was honestly asking "Who Am I?". Now, I could quote the famous and popular Casting Crown song "Who Am I", and tell you that 'I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind', but that doesn't help solve anything. As a matter of fact, in that moment, that made me feel worse. Although I love that song, it wasn't the answer I needed or was looking for. Seconds after I thought about that, the Bethany Dillon song "I Am Yours" popped in my head. It was almost like God was reminding me of this statement. And that's when it occurred to me that I am simply His. The chorus of that song states about 4 times, "I Am Yours".

So do you see what I mean? Isn't it so simple? I was astonished to think that it didn't matter that I had been wondering where I belonged, or where I fit in, or what I was going to do in the next 10 minutes. What mattered was not what I have done, or what I have been, or where I have come from. Not even my plans for the future can define me. What defines me is something extremely special. Something the world cannot give me. I'm sure you were probably wondering where the story in the beginning tied in all of this, but this is where. That friendship was being used for selfish purposes on both sides. I used it so that I would never be alone, and she used it so that she could have someone to control. But you see, my friendships don't even define who I am. I am not them, and they are not me. I am created uniquely. You see My DNA is not like anyone. Every hair on my head was created special. Every interest I have, every beautiful story, every thought, every song---it is my own, but not because I have placed it there. Oh, no. It is because HE had placed it them all there. Every story, song, interest, thought, etc. is a gift from God. Why? Because I am HIS. I am His. I AM HIS!!!!

I believe this is conformation of a interpretation my father (earthly) gave me a few nights ago of a dream I had had a few years ago (shortly before I knew Jesus).
In my dream, I was sitting in a chair in our living room, facing the room, with my back to the wall. There was a man who looked like my father, but was about 3 feet taller (my dad is about 6'0), and had his hands on my shoulders firmly, in a protective fashion, and I couldn't move. But it was not harmful. I knew I was safe.
I told my dad about this dream I had had, and how I knew that having my "father" behind me was really representing God, my Father, standing behind me in support, and letting me know that He isn't going to let me go.
My dad thought about this, and then a few minutes later, as if a light bulb had come on, he popped back into the room and told me that the Lord was telling him that it meant I was His. The word he got was "She Is Mine". And that the way He stood behind me with His hands on my shoulders was a proclamation to everyone that "She Is Mine".

So tonight, when I realized that my identity is in Him, and Him alone, it made sense. Everything made sense. And suddenly, I was at peace with everything. There was a calmness deep within my soul. I was worried about nothing. I was at war with NOTHING. Because in my heart, I finally understood who I was. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to receive my "Daughterhood". I am HIS. How much more beautifully simple could it be?


What more could I possibly need? With that, I am complete.

Thank you so much for reading this.:)

<3 Samiii :)

Psalm 139:14
New International Version (NIV)

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Reblogging post

SoundsOfMyWords: Stay Strong...: "picture source So I guess one little decision has the power to change everything, And when your chasing your dreams,no way you can give ..."