Lately I've been dealing with a lot of loneliness. You see, I don't know exactly where I'm going next in my life (college and career wise), so in the meantime I've been staying here at home helping with laundry, dishes, etc. I've talked to people about this. Ok, well, mainly my parents and one of my best friends. But the thing is, if I admit to feeling alone, does that make me weak and unable to take care of myself? Or does it make me brave for reaching out for help? Either way, it seems like almost every day has tears of some kind involved. I don't understand it. Back in February, when I had a break down and talked about how alone I felt just being at home w/ my mom (who used to work from home), being away from friends and all, I admitted that I had been battling depression. Someone has suggested that maybe I ask my doctor about clinical depression, but I really didn't want to because I just knew that it was only the situation. I had just signed up for a program called "Fresh Start", which helped a TON, but things seemed to turn a bit more dark in October when my mom left to work in the office. Now that she has to work in the there, and I've been here on my own until like 6 or 7 pm, I've been feeling extra lonely. I mean, I used to be able to talk to my mom when she was here. But now she's just too tired to talk. And now that one of my best friends (the one that I hung out with a TON last year) moved to a different state, and my other bff is in college, its just been hard. Its like everyone knows how to move on but me right now. I know that what I need to do is apply to college. But when everyone is asking about what I'm going to do next, and trying to preach at me and tell me where to go, I get confused. I don't want to get pressured into anything. I want this to be my decision.
Part of my wants to scream in this blog that I feel alone. And helpless. And like I need help and encouragement. And then there is another part of me that doesn't want to make a big deal over myself and get people all worried if this is going to go away quickly. I'm not sure if this is situation induced depression, or if it is actual depression that needs treatment. I feel like if things got better in my life, I would get better and not be as depressed as well. But I don't know. What if it comes back? What if the devil tries to use it against me again? I feel like the devil wants to keep me here in isolation forever so that he can ruin all the the Lord has done in my life. I want to fight back but when I am alone, I can't seem to find any motivation for anything, and I feel like I can't fight back. Like I'm vulnerable. I feel stuck in a sea of nothingness. It sucks. I just want some way out of this depression. I know that there is sunshine beyond this rain, but it feels like tunnel vision. In fact, I feel like at times that my eyes have been darkened, and that I'm the size of an insect, with rain pouring down everywhere trying to drown me in sorrow, and like I'm trapped until something or someone comes and sets me free, and brings me back to real life. I want to be heard. I need to be heard. I know I'm never alone because I have God, but how come it feels like He's just disappeared? I'm scared. And alone. And cold. I want to feel the warmth of His light again. I need Him. God, can you hear me? Can you see me? I NEED YOU!!! PLEASE rescue me, Lord!!!! This is me crying out for help, Lord!!!
I guess I just have to continue reminding myself that I'm not alone, and that this whole loneliness thing are just lies that the devil would love to make me believe. I will not believe those lies. I have to continue to fight. No matter what. I just have to keep holding on. I can make it. Because I have the Lord on my side, I will stay strong. He makes me strong. HE won't let me go. Not now, not ever.
This was more of a personal diary entry than a blog, so thank you so much if you read it, and if you didn't, thats cool too. lol. :)
Once again, thank you so much for reading this, fellow blog readers. :)
<3 Sami :)
I've been trying to listen to these songs for encouragement recently:
(hopefully they will encourage you too if you are going through a rough time)
Meredith Andrews-"You're Not Alone"
Meredith Andrews-"Can Anybody Hear Me"