Saturday, December 22, 2012

"I’m not fake, don’t ever call me lazy, I won’t stay put, give me the chance to be free"

I can't do this anymore. I just simply cannot do this. I can't. I can't be strong. I'm not strong. Everyone keeps on telling me how strong I am, and how I'm a warrior, and stuff. No, I'm not. Because you don't see what happens behind closed doors. You don't see how I fall down on my face when I'm alone. You don't see how it hurts on the inside. You don't see the pain. You don't see the struggle. You can't tell that my thoughts overwhelm me at times. You wanna know why I randomly start grabbing at my hair and tugging my sleeves and the ends of my shirt in such a panicky/nervous fashion, or why I suddenly start breathing way harder and faster than normal, and I get all snippy and short and annoyed at everything? Yeah, that's a panic attack. That's the result of feeling like a failure, and a freak, and an unclean sinner, and a horrible person, and like a lazy good for nothing pile of crap, and then trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be ok, and I can be free, when I feel so enslaved and trapped that I can't. Ok? Cause that's how I feel on the inside. I'm really messed up. My life, this situation, it's all messed up. And it has now gotten to the point where I can't fix it, or hide it. I used to be able to hide all my struggles really really well. But then it started driving me crazy, and I couldn't do it. The filth had to come out. I'm trying so hard to wear my heart on my sleeve b/c I know that's the only way to get healing, but I can't do this. I can't cover it up, I can't forget about it, and I can't wear it like a scar. I'm broken. Really really broken. And I'm unfixable  This mess is too big. "It's not too big for God!", you might say. Yeah, ok. Sure. You know, I've heard that before. But no matter how many times I life my eyes to Him, the struggle doesn't change. It stays the same. I still struggle with the same stuff. I'm unfixable. My heart is forever broken, and I can't figure out a healthy way to cope. What's it gonna take before people realize I'm not the cause of all of this? I've TRIED taking responsibility for my problems. The depression, illness, etc.: NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! Yet, everyone makes it sound like I'm still in this because of something I did. Whatever. Believe what you want, but you're wrong. Blame who you want, but you're wrong. This isn't any ones fault-not mine, not anyone else's. I need a fix to this problem. I need a solution. But don't you dare tell me the answer is in myself, cause it's not. Believe me, I've searched inside and out, and it's nowhere to be found in me. I wanna cry for help, but I'm sick of crying. Gosh, I'm sick of complaining. I'm sickening myself with this. This post is done. I am officially done as of now. Thanks for reading. Comment, pray, whatever. I don't care.

:P Sami

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"Up from the ashes, a fire is woken.......Cause though we are broken, We're becoming the chosen "


I should be doing homework. I should be getting my stuff done so that I can go bowling with a group of high school band students that are visiting. I should be focused. I shouldn't be wasting time.

I should be happy. I shouldn't be so upset over this. I shouldn't be upset at all. There are people out there with much worse problems than my selfish stupid insecurities, and issues. There are so many other things to focus my attention on. Poverty, starving children, people even in our own city who are struggling. I should be focused on helping them. I shouldn't be so self centered.

But I really just can't shake this. Is this because I missed my counseling appointment today? Is it because I missed the appointment last week as well due to break? Is it because my heart is breaking for one of my friends who had to leave campus for the week because she was hurting so much? Is it because a few of my friends heard most of my testimony and know every secret I have? Is it because I feel so vulnerable? Is that what this empty gut/heart feeling is? Nothings filling it. I pray, but it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. It also feels like my trying is adding up to nothing. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't help. Others can help for a moment, but it's not long after that that things get rocky again. I'm struggling......and it's lonely. No matter what I tell others, no matter what I do about the situation, it still sucks. It just.....whatever. i don't even care anymore. I'm done. screw it all.