WARNING:THE FOLLOWING POST IS A VERY PERSONAL DIARY LIKE POST. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION AND UNDERSTANDING. THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A VENTING POST. Also, I wrote this back in late October. Thank you. Love, Samiiiiiiii
I should be doing homework. I should be getting my stuff done so that I can go bowling with a group of high school band students that are visiting. I should be focused. I shouldn't be wasting time.
I should be happy. I shouldn't be so upset over this. I shouldn't be upset at all. There are people out there with much worse problems than my selfish stupid insecurities, and issues. There are so many other things to focus my attention on. Poverty, starving children, people even in our own city who are struggling. I should be focused on helping them. I shouldn't be so self centered.
But I really just can't shake this. Is this because I missed my counseling appointment today? Is it because I missed the appointment last week as well due to break? Is it because my heart is breaking for one of my friends who had to leave campus for the week because she was hurting so much? Is it because a few of my friends heard most of my testimony and know every secret I have? Is it because I feel so vulnerable? Is that what this empty gut/heart feeling is? Nothings filling it. I pray, but it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. It also feels like my trying is adding up to nothing. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't help. Others can help for a moment, but it's not long after that that things get rocky again. I'm struggling......and it's lonely. No matter what I tell others, no matter what I do about the situation, it still sucks. It just.....whatever. i don't even care anymore. I'm done. screw it all.