Thursday, January 15, 2015

"You've got opinions, man, we're all entitled to 'em, but I never asked"

I really don't like what you do to me. Not one bit.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for you. I didn't ask for these feelings.

I don't like how I constantly feel like I complain too much around you.

I already feel guilty for quite a bit, and you're all knowing attitude makes me so angry.

No, I don't care about my the job I work at, but I do care about people.

I don't even know what to say to you.

I feel like no matter what I say, you'll never get it.

I could write thousands of words, but they'll never be enough to describe what I feel.

And they'll never be enough to make you understand.

I'll never be enough for you.

I'll never be someone you'll properly understand.

You'll never see past the surface level stuff, and get to see the real me.

And that's your own fault.

You could choose to open up your mind and heart to me, but will you? No.

I don't love you anymore, and I stopped caring about what you think of me a while ago.

I care about you, but not for you.

I don't want to be your best friend.

I'll be your friend, but I don't trust you.

But I will be friendly to you because everyone deserves to be treated kindly.

But you aren't like that. You don't see life that way.

I have nothing more for you. You suck the life out of me.

You make my maturity level go down to that of an 11 year old.

You bring out the kid in me, but you also bring out the gossip in me.

And I don't like me when I'm around you.

Not at all. Not one bit.


Monday, July 29, 2013

"Tell me what kind of God would choose to save, the bruised, the broken, the sinners, the runaways"

I am forever changing the writing theme of this blog. Honestly.

But today this blog isn't about complaining, or inspiring, or re-directing to another page, or what have you.

It's about thankfulness. It's about being so blessed with friends who care, and support and surround you with love, even in the middle of a mess.

It's about finding that even though you are anxious and nervous because you know in less than 24 hours you'll have spilled your darkest secret to your mother, and all you want is to run, but you know you must fight, there are those around you willing to encourage and support you, flight or flight mode, or not.

It's the overwhelming kindness from others that you have taken for granted due to the blinding haze and darkness. It's the pain those around you must witness and experience a bit themselves, as they watch you begin to rise and fall over and over again.

It's about the dedication, the friendship, the prayers, the much needed to be said words (even the hard ones), the late night phone calls, the love. This blog is about true, unconditional love.

Not only from friends, but from the Father as well.

How He could love me even though I break His heart on a regular basis is beyond me.
How He could find things in a midst my mess that will bring Him glory.

I one but Him could find broken, jagged, sharp, earthly minded definition of un-fixable, dirty, horrid pieces, and find them salvageable enough to piece together a picture that reflects His beauty within us.

On my own, I fail every time at patching together my heart. But when I trust Him, and allow Him full control, He does something unexplainable and takes that which seems forever shattered, and does more than just duck tapes the pieces together. He puts everything together seamlessly. And the only reason this works is because He is the glue. And His bond is unbreakable.

Unbreakable bonds and unconditional love.

No words will ever be enough to fully explain Him, this, his healing, etc. He is literally indescribable.

At the moment that is what I'm most thankful for.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

"Listen close I won't say this again"

You know what? I'm settin a goal. I'm not going to say sorry as much anymore. I always say it, and 95% of the time, I'm saying it because I think I'm in someone's way, or that I'm annoying them, or because I'm just trying to make sure the other person knows whatever klutzy move I make isn't intentional. Heck, I even say it to inanimate objects for no reason!!!! In fact, I'm beginning to annoy myself just talking about this. So, that's it. Unless I full on ram into someone, or do something completely and utterly rude (which I try to never ever do), or actually do something that needs an "I'm sorry", than I won't say it! No more being so concerned with offending the whole world that I end up sounding like an idiot & being constantly nervous and on my guard. I'm done with that, and I need to stop being so afraid of what everyone else thinks!! You know what? Screw them! If people don't like me because I'm a klutz, or because of this or that, then fine! I wasn't made to please them anyways. I was made to serve one, not be scared of many not liking me.

(Originally written on January, 13th 2013)

It's like reading a page from my diary.......sort of.

Oh hey! So, I have a wordpress blog too. :)

This one blog, and that one is more like my diary. Mainly because not that many know about it. So, enjoy!! :)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

"I’m not fake, don’t ever call me lazy, I won’t stay put, give me the chance to be free"

I can't do this anymore. I just simply cannot do this. I can't. I can't be strong. I'm not strong. Everyone keeps on telling me how strong I am, and how I'm a warrior, and stuff. No, I'm not. Because you don't see what happens behind closed doors. You don't see how I fall down on my face when I'm alone. You don't see how it hurts on the inside. You don't see the pain. You don't see the struggle. You can't tell that my thoughts overwhelm me at times. You wanna know why I randomly start grabbing at my hair and tugging my sleeves and the ends of my shirt in such a panicky/nervous fashion, or why I suddenly start breathing way harder and faster than normal, and I get all snippy and short and annoyed at everything? Yeah, that's a panic attack. That's the result of feeling like a failure, and a freak, and an unclean sinner, and a horrible person, and like a lazy good for nothing pile of crap, and then trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be ok, and I can be free, when I feel so enslaved and trapped that I can't. Ok? Cause that's how I feel on the inside. I'm really messed up. My life, this situation, it's all messed up. And it has now gotten to the point where I can't fix it, or hide it. I used to be able to hide all my struggles really really well. But then it started driving me crazy, and I couldn't do it. The filth had to come out. I'm trying so hard to wear my heart on my sleeve b/c I know that's the only way to get healing, but I can't do this. I can't cover it up, I can't forget about it, and I can't wear it like a scar. I'm broken. Really really broken. And I'm unfixable  This mess is too big. "It's not too big for God!", you might say. Yeah, ok. Sure. You know, I've heard that before. But no matter how many times I life my eyes to Him, the struggle doesn't change. It stays the same. I still struggle with the same stuff. I'm unfixable. My heart is forever broken, and I can't figure out a healthy way to cope. What's it gonna take before people realize I'm not the cause of all of this? I've TRIED taking responsibility for my problems. The depression, illness, etc.: NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! Yet, everyone makes it sound like I'm still in this because of something I did. Whatever. Believe what you want, but you're wrong. Blame who you want, but you're wrong. This isn't any ones fault-not mine, not anyone else's. I need a fix to this problem. I need a solution. But don't you dare tell me the answer is in myself, cause it's not. Believe me, I've searched inside and out, and it's nowhere to be found in me. I wanna cry for help, but I'm sick of crying. Gosh, I'm sick of complaining. I'm sickening myself with this. This post is done. I am officially done as of now. Thanks for reading. Comment, pray, whatever. I don't care.

:P Sami

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

"Up from the ashes, a fire is woken.......Cause though we are broken, We're becoming the chosen "


I should be doing homework. I should be getting my stuff done so that I can go bowling with a group of high school band students that are visiting. I should be focused. I shouldn't be wasting time.

I should be happy. I shouldn't be so upset over this. I shouldn't be upset at all. There are people out there with much worse problems than my selfish stupid insecurities, and issues. There are so many other things to focus my attention on. Poverty, starving children, people even in our own city who are struggling. I should be focused on helping them. I shouldn't be so self centered.

But I really just can't shake this. Is this because I missed my counseling appointment today? Is it because I missed the appointment last week as well due to break? Is it because my heart is breaking for one of my friends who had to leave campus for the week because she was hurting so much? Is it because a few of my friends heard most of my testimony and know every secret I have? Is it because I feel so vulnerable? Is that what this empty gut/heart feeling is? Nothings filling it. I pray, but it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. It also feels like my trying is adding up to nothing. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't help. Others can help for a moment, but it's not long after that that things get rocky again. I'm struggling......and it's lonely. No matter what I tell others, no matter what I do about the situation, it still sucks. It just.....whatever. i don't even care anymore. I'm done. screw it all.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

"Sparks fly when we touch, It was never enough, It was just a crush"

Hello blogger world! I know, I haven't posted on here in forever! But, don't be sad, friends, because today, I'm going to talk to you about one subject that almost all girls can relate to: Boys. *Gasp!* Boys? OMG what Hottie McHottie do you have a mega crush on? Is he like, totes amazzzzze?? Ok, so, obviously I'm making a little bit of fun of the subject. :) And, if you do talk like that, than I'm sorry. Not trying to be offensive, just trying to have a little fun. :)

So, why am I talking about this, you may ask? Well, I'm talking about boys, or guys if that sounds better, because romance is something we ALL deal with, whether it be in heartbreak, heartache, love, crush, or just being happy being single. We all go through this kind of stuff, and we all deal with it, some in different ways than others. For me, I've had lots and lots of crushes over the years. But never a boyfriend. Of course, being 19 and having my life somewhat resemble the movie "Never Been Kissed" to some point can be difficult. I mean, I see my friends all, I guess for lack of a better word, "exploring" the world of dating. They go out, have fun, etc., etc. So why make such a big deal of this? Because. I mean, I'm honestly a hopeless romantic at heart. And I always see these romantic movies where the guy pursues the girl, who for some reason seems to think she's ugly when she's like a freaking super model, and everything always seems to work out in the end, no matter how imperfect the relationship had been throught the course of the movie, no matter how many times they fought, kissed, broke up, ignored each other, despised each other, and whatever else you can possibly think of, they always end up together. Which, I mean, I love that they are trying to show that relationships can work out and all, don't get me wrong. But what about those of us who are the real life girls who don't see ourselves as beautiful? What about those of us without perfect skin, or perfect bodies? What about those of us that are too shy to even speak up about we feel at the risk of getting rejected or made fun of? I don't know, maybe its just me, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I have the same personality as one of those shy girls that always ends up breaking out of her shell by the end of the movie, and yet in real life my prince charming is either nowhere to be seen or not interested. Am I the only one who feels the way? I mean, I used to HATE romantic movies because everything seemed so fake and mushy. I guess I still don't like movies that are purely romantic and dramatic. I'm sorrry if you like those movies, but they bother me so freaking much. I'd much rather sit down and watch a romantic comedy about some girl who is too scared to admit how she feels to the one she loves, trips and falls all over things, and is an amazing person that either just doesn't know how amazing they are, or is too afraid to own it. I guess I like that kind of character the best because that's how I act most of the time! I guess I just wished that the fairy tale, Hollywood ending would just happen to me, you know? Ok, admittedly, I just went on a bit of a rant there. Sorry. :)

So, now that we've covered the subject of romance in the movies (well, at least a smidgen of that subject), let's move onto the next subject that I have personally dealt with quite a bit in my life: unrequited love. Or, as it is more commonly known, crushes. Let's cut right to they chase on this one. They can either be super fun and awesome, or they can really REALLY suck. This is something at one point we have all either gone through, going to go through, or are going through. Now, those of us that have been there know that it's called a crush for a reason. What, you may ask, is that reason? Well, to answer your question, it is called a crush because it crushes you. Sounds painful, right? Well, in some cases, it is. But that doesn't mean all love like feelings are bad. Take it from a girl who has so been there before.

This calls for story time!! ;) All throughout my childhood, I had a crush on a boy. Since I was 3 or 4 years old, to be exact. Sounds a bit crazy, right? But it's not like it was always the same boy. But there was ALWAYS a crush that was either developing, fully grown, or in the downward spiral part of it all. It wasn't that sucky or anything, but it got old as time went on. Its like I was constantly searching for true love. Romance became more and more disappointing because I always got my hopes up for it, and every time, it'd never happen. Over time, I've begun to believe that the reason for this is because God has someone special for me, and that I shouldn't waste all my time on meaningless crushes that just resolve in heartache or heartbreak. But it isn't that easy to just turn off our hearts like that. I don't believe we were meant to shut off our hearts when something goes wrong. I believe we were meant to take those hardships and experiences, work through them, learn lessons in the process, and come out on the other end stronger than before. I think that applies to anything, not just love or crushes. Anyways, where were we again? Oh yeah, my non-existent love life. Well, it existed for me, but it didn't with the guys I liked.

That brings me to nowadays. Currently, I don't have a crush on anyone. Well, at least I thought I didn't. Now I'm not even sure. I mean, there is this one guy, but that's just a long story I don't feel like explaining. It's been so long since I've had a crush that I have no idea the difference between a crush and an interest is. However, I can say that I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm taking time to mentally recover from a physical illness, let my heart heal from hurts and scrapes from the past, and just learn who I am in the Lord. Not who a guy says I am, or who my friends say I am or should be, but who I am; who I was created to be. But believe me, if I fall in love, or go through heartache, all y'all will definitely hear about it!!

But, until then, I'll leave you with some advice. To those of you that are going through a crush, whether it be good or bad, or are hurting from a crush, if things don't exactly work out the way you have planned, don't give up on love, have faith, TAKE TIME TO RECOVER AND HEAL YOUR HEART, and then restart. But don't rush. I emphasized the take your time part for a reason. :) Just know that no matter what happens, you'll be fine in the end. Believe me, I know exactly what it feels like to fall for someone, and have it end up breaking every inch of your heart. I just recently started to feel whole again after having my heart really broken, and I know it hurts and takes a lot of time, but trust me. Everything that's happening is happening for a reason. And you'll be just fine in the end. :) Don't give up.

To those of you that have never ever ever had a crush, don't feel pressure to. There is no rush. Believe me, it is much better to be interested in no one at all then to worry, and panic, and then go from feeling like your heart is melting around them to feeling like a complete heartbroken fool. Whether you just haven't found someone that has caught your interest like that yet, or you just don't get the point of a crush, don't think too much about it. Let it happen when it happens, no matter what age you are. Just keep being yourself, and enjoy your life just the way it is. Besides, you have your whole life to think about love. The only love you need to fill your mind and heart with is the love of Jesus. :)

Well, sorry to cut this short, guys, but I could go on and on with this subject forever in so many different ways, and I just really don't feel like doing that today.

Well, as always, I have a few subject related song for you guys. Hopefully they help you in your current situation, or at least give you support or encouragement. Enjoy! :)

This song is just plain cute. :) It is currently one of my favorite love/crush songs. :)

You know that "crushing" part of crushes I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's what this song describes. "I wasn't really in love...."