Sunday, December 27, 2009


You know, for a while there, I almost wanted to delete this blog. I thought maybe it was getting too personal. And I didn't want to worry if others could see it. But I finally figured out that you say what you want to say. I know this will sound beyond cheesy, but I learned something while watching Spiderman today. There is always a choice. Whether the situation seems impossible or not, there is always a choice. Lately, I've chosen to make things complicated. I've been trying way too hard to make friends with a guy I like in hopes that he would see what I want him to see about me, and maybe possibly fall for me one day. But the truth is, If we're not meant to be, we're just not meant to be. I can't force a situation. Although I'd like for everything to go the way I want it to go, it probably won't. I'm not in control of those kinds of things. God is. And I talk a lot about how God is in control of the situation, and how I'm giving it all to him, but if I truly am giving it to him, than maybe I should stop trying to be something I'm not. I suppose you could say that this is an "easier said than done" situation. But it's actually quite simple when you think about it. I have a choice. I can either keep striving to make my life have a fairytale ending, or I can allow God to take my burdens and sit back and relax. I'm choosing to relax. I don't need to have control, although I thought I did. It's tiring to try and make someone fall in love with you. It just doesn't work. And I kept thinking that I had to "let him go" or "give up". But by letting God truly have the reigns of my life, I'm not really "letting him go", because I never had him. And as far as me "giving up", it's really not so much giving up as it is not worrying about this anymore. The truth is, even if I have an interest in a guy, that doesn't mean that I know why we met. Yes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes, I don't really want to know what that reason is. I mean, if God wants me to know, he will show me later in time. But as for right now, right here in this moment, I'm going to enjoy my life. God will do beautiful and wonderful things in my life, and with me. And it's not a bad thing to pray about what He wants me to do in my life, but I'm not going to worry. Worrying is a time consuming, foolish thing to do. I've got better things to do that sit around and think about the "what ifs". So, that is all for now. Thanks for reading this if you took the time to. If not, that's ok. It was really me reasoning things out loud, or in a blog. :)

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year,
<3 Sami

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart?

So, the last month or so (the time since I have last been on here) has been a whirlwind of crazy emotions. I became way too stressed for my own good at one point, but then God somehow changed everything, and gave me peace in the middle of a disaster. I love Him so much. I am glad that He is in my life.
Which brings me to yet another point. I am unwillingly in love with someone who sees me differently than I see them. I think you know what I am referring to, but just to clear things up, it is a certain someone in a certain class. Ok, maybe I'm not totally in love. I'm not quite sure what real, passionate love is really like. But I am trusting that God will provide a husband for me someday. The only problem is that there is someone I feel something for already. I keep reminding my self that it is just a crush. But there are times that I feel so much more than I've ever felt before, that I can't help but think to myself that this has got to be something more that what it is at the current moment.
I need to know if what I feel is mutual with this other person. And even if it isn't, I'd like to know that what I say and do, and who I am is intriguing to this person. Not in a, well, I'm not sure how to put this but I'll try, attractive (as in "sexy") way, but in a way of wanting to get to know more about each other and actually become friends. Because that is what I'm feeling. Currently, I'm not feeling any "cutsy", "overly romantic" feelings. But I feel as though I could talk to this person for hours, and I have this incredible want to get to know this person. I want to really know him. Not just be a cutsy, giggly, high-school, "romantic" crush, but an actual relationship, whether it be just friends for right now, or more than that.
There is one hangup, however. He's got a girl, and his girl and I are friends. Last time I saw her, I wanted to be excited, but I felt a little crushed because I saw them talking before. I'm not stupid. I know when people are feeling something more for each other. And although I spend the rest of the day convincing myself that they were just really good friends, I knew. I knew. And What is worse is that I knew I knew. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. The hardest part was learning that I was right all along. And I really didn't want it to be that way, but it is what it is. I was doing ok for a while there. I managed to get over that fact that they were back together, but then yesterday, I cried about it for maybe 5 seconds, and then I moved on. I refuse to let myself break over this.
But I do believe that God has allowed us to meet for a reason. Maybe he is teaching me to be patient and wait for my true love. I mean, I KNOW that I am willing to wait for heaven and earth to come for this boy (which is weird because I've NEVER been this patient about a crush in my whole entire life), but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No point in loosing sleep over things like this. Not anymore.
Anyways, Now that I've poured my heart and soul out to you, I have nothing left to say. Besides, this blog is getting a bit long anyways.

Love,with all my heart,
<3 Sami

"Firefly"- Jimmy Needham