Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Who I Am

So, I know I said I have abandoned this blog, but I think it's time for it to have a "Fresh Start"......heehee. *hint hint*

I sort of had a breakthrough tonight. Via a mixture of multiple things tonight, I had a major sense of peace and understanding tonight. And here's why.

Over the past few weeks, I've struggled with what I thought was explainable depression. I tried to analyze the situation from every direction I could, however, that solved nothing. You see, my best friend is moving to Texas again. Last week she broke the news to me that she was accepting a job in Dallas to be a Jewelry Designing Apprentice. Now, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for her! We have been through so much together, and I want nothing more than to support her. However, I've been feeling strange about it. Or so I thought that's what it was. I thought my problem was that I wasn't handling this situation or change well. And, well, considering my past, I'd say that that would be a pretty accurate statement. But that still wasn't the problem. The problem was with myself. I was feeling insecure and unsure of who I was. And I was unable to see that this was true until I sat in a teen/college Fresh Start class, and heard a testimony of how someone was unsure of their-self due to a mentor that they were putting all their trust and approval in.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering what this could possible have to do with anything. But stay with me. There IS a point to all of this. You see, I realized in that moment that what I was dealing with wasn't necessarily change or worry of what I was going to do without her. I was worried about my identity. I was worried about who I had been, and who I was going to have to be from now on.

Identity is an issue of Shame. I was ashamed of my situation. I was embarrassed that despite how hard I have worked just to prove that I can and will graduate from high school--despite the many challenges I have faced, I still wasn't feeling accomplished, or "good enough". I found myself sitting in my chair asking over and over again, "Who Am I?" For the first time in my life, I was honestly asking "Who Am I?". Now, I could quote the famous and popular Casting Crown song "Who Am I", and tell you that 'I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind', but that doesn't help solve anything. As a matter of fact, in that moment, that made me feel worse. Although I love that song, it wasn't the answer I needed or was looking for. Seconds after I thought about that, the Bethany Dillon song "I Am Yours" popped in my head. It was almost like God was reminding me of this statement. And that's when it occurred to me that I am simply His. The chorus of that song states about 4 times, "I Am Yours".

So do you see what I mean? Isn't it so simple? I was astonished to think that it didn't matter that I had been wondering where I belonged, or where I fit in, or what I was going to do in the next 10 minutes. What mattered was not what I have done, or what I have been, or where I have come from. Not even my plans for the future can define me. What defines me is something extremely special. Something the world cannot give me. I'm sure you were probably wondering where the story in the beginning tied in all of this, but this is where. That friendship was being used for selfish purposes on both sides. I used it so that I would never be alone, and she used it so that she could have someone to control. But you see, my friendships don't even define who I am. I am not them, and they are not me. I am created uniquely. You see My DNA is not like anyone. Every hair on my head was created special. Every interest I have, every beautiful story, every thought, every song---it is my own, but not because I have placed it there. Oh, no. It is because HE had placed it them all there. Every story, song, interest, thought, etc. is a gift from God. Why? Because I am HIS. I am His. I AM HIS!!!!

I believe this is conformation of a interpretation my father (earthly) gave me a few nights ago of a dream I had had a few years ago (shortly before I knew Jesus).
In my dream, I was sitting in a chair in our living room, facing the room, with my back to the wall. There was a man who looked like my father, but was about 3 feet taller (my dad is about 6'0), and had his hands on my shoulders firmly, in a protective fashion, and I couldn't move. But it was not harmful. I knew I was safe.
I told my dad about this dream I had had, and how I knew that having my "father" behind me was really representing God, my Father, standing behind me in support, and letting me know that He isn't going to let me go.
My dad thought about this, and then a few minutes later, as if a light bulb had come on, he popped back into the room and told me that the Lord was telling him that it meant I was His. The word he got was "She Is Mine". And that the way He stood behind me with His hands on my shoulders was a proclamation to everyone that "She Is Mine".

So tonight, when I realized that my identity is in Him, and Him alone, it made sense. Everything made sense. And suddenly, I was at peace with everything. There was a calmness deep within my soul. I was worried about nothing. I was at war with NOTHING. Because in my heart, I finally understood who I was. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to receive my "Daughterhood". I am HIS. How much more beautifully simple could it be?


What more could I possibly need? With that, I am complete.

Thank you so much for reading this.:)

<3 Samiii :)

Psalm 139:14
New International Version (NIV)

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.