Saturday, December 22, 2012

"I’m not fake, don’t ever call me lazy, I won’t stay put, give me the chance to be free"

I can't do this anymore. I just simply cannot do this. I can't. I can't be strong. I'm not strong. Everyone keeps on telling me how strong I am, and how I'm a warrior, and stuff. No, I'm not. Because you don't see what happens behind closed doors. You don't see how I fall down on my face when I'm alone. You don't see how it hurts on the inside. You don't see the pain. You don't see the struggle. You can't tell that my thoughts overwhelm me at times. You wanna know why I randomly start grabbing at my hair and tugging my sleeves and the ends of my shirt in such a panicky/nervous fashion, or why I suddenly start breathing way harder and faster than normal, and I get all snippy and short and annoyed at everything? Yeah, that's a panic attack. That's the result of feeling like a failure, and a freak, and an unclean sinner, and a horrible person, and like a lazy good for nothing pile of crap, and then trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be ok, and I can be free, when I feel so enslaved and trapped that I can't. Ok? Cause that's how I feel on the inside. I'm really messed up. My life, this situation, it's all messed up. And it has now gotten to the point where I can't fix it, or hide it. I used to be able to hide all my struggles really really well. But then it started driving me crazy, and I couldn't do it. The filth had to come out. I'm trying so hard to wear my heart on my sleeve b/c I know that's the only way to get healing, but I can't do this. I can't cover it up, I can't forget about it, and I can't wear it like a scar. I'm broken. Really really broken. And I'm unfixable  This mess is too big. "It's not too big for God!", you might say. Yeah, ok. Sure. You know, I've heard that before. But no matter how many times I life my eyes to Him, the struggle doesn't change. It stays the same. I still struggle with the same stuff. I'm unfixable. My heart is forever broken, and I can't figure out a healthy way to cope. What's it gonna take before people realize I'm not the cause of all of this? I've TRIED taking responsibility for my problems. The depression, illness, etc.: NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!! Yet, everyone makes it sound like I'm still in this because of something I did. Whatever. Believe what you want, but you're wrong. Blame who you want, but you're wrong. This isn't any ones fault-not mine, not anyone else's. I need a fix to this problem. I need a solution. But don't you dare tell me the answer is in myself, cause it's not. Believe me, I've searched inside and out, and it's nowhere to be found in me. I wanna cry for help, but I'm sick of crying. Gosh, I'm sick of complaining. I'm sickening myself with this. This post is done. I am officially done as of now. Thanks for reading. Comment, pray, whatever. I don't care.

:P Sami