Why am I so scared?
That is the question that has been haunting my mind. Why? Why? Why do I let fear define me? I'm just so afraid of being myself. I want to show others who I am, but I don't even understand that myself. Who am I? I know, I know, I did this long blog post about who I am like a year ago, but I feel like a completely different person now, and I just want to know who I am.
This brings up another completely random, and unrelated topic. Why hasn't any boy ever taken any interest in me? I understood in High School that a boyfriend wasn't the best idea in that moment because I was dealing with so much other stuff. I understood that in middle school, elementary, and stuff I was just too young for that kind of stuff. But now I'm 20, and this is just plain painful. I've been putting myself out there, and putting my heart out on the line just to have it hang there. I feel like my heart has been suffocating, and is completely drained.
Even with this stupid boy I thought I liked. Ok, well, he's NOT stupid, I'm just frustrated. I suppose I missed my window of opportunity with him, but I just can't stand to give into something, let my heart get carried away, just to have nothing work out at all, and to have all this unresolved pain in my heart. He showed interest in me first, ok? I just wasn't ready at that time though, and he needs to understand that. Nothing wrong with him or whatever. MY heart was still in healing and in recovery. Then when I finally couldn't fight off the idea of liking him, and I finally just gave in, it hurt because he seemed like he no longer cared. Well, I am so freaking sorry, but I needed time to heal!! And now, I haven't got a clue if he likes me or not. This is all too much. I think it's time to move on, but he needs to know that there WAS a period of time when I really liked him back. Gosh, stupid boys. Stupid, stupid, annoying, distracting boys who want the perfectly skinny models. Whatever. I don't even wanna care about that anymore. But I can't help it. I may not be perfect, but I'm real. And in my eyes, I'd rather be real, and be beautiful and interesting because of that, instead of being a fake jerk. Whatever. I'm ranting, but I'm hurt, and confused, and frustrated. Gahhhhhhh!!!! Boys. :P
I'm drained. I'm sick of trying to make everyone like me. I'm sick of trying to be funny or whatever. I need to be real. Don't get me wrong, talking about old boy bands, songs, movies, and whatever else is fun, but I need to just open up and be real, and I feel like I can't. I feel surrounded by a sea of people, but none of them can see that I'm masking my heart. I feel like a fake half the time. Like if I showed everyone who I was, they would just walk away. I don't wanna push people away. So often I feel like God isn't exactly listening, or that He's just sick of me and my sinfulness, and He's just done with me. I know that I should know that's not at all how it is, but it's how it feels. What I feel is so real to me, and I feel like I must conceal it all behind these thick cement walls. I keep on going as if I have it all together, but the truth is, I'm freaking out. I even had a panic attack last night due to the fact that I feel like such a miserable failure, who just can't seem to get it right, and is faking. Yes, I am breaking apart, and I need some help staying together. I hate asking for any kind of help like this because I don't want others to see me as a whiny little baby who needs to grow up and get the heck over it, but there are times I just can't deny when I'm in pain, and need someone to lean on. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to rely on. (Oh wow, I'm gonna stop there. I got a bit too rhyme-y. haha)
But seriously. My best friends are in Kansas, Lincoln, and Texas. And the other person I felt close to here in Omaha has made it just a bit hard for me to fully trust them. I just want one person here to not leave me behind if I open up. I need someone who understands me. Someone I can fully relate to and have my OWN opinion around! I want to say what I want and feel and be able to still be loved and accepted. Not judged or anything. I've had enough judgement from others to last a life time. What I need now is someone to tell me I am strong, to tell me I am brave, and to see the warrior in me. I feel so looked down upon at times. Am I too nice? Is that it? I mean, I don't wanna be a witch, so I'm gonna be kind. But why is it that kindness and being walked all over tend to go hand in hand?
Don't push me around. I am my own person. Please respect that. I really would like some respect. Just like the song says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me". Cheesy and cliche? Yes. But as I have stated before, this is how I feel right now.
You know, I've never posted my own song lyrics on here out of the fear that someone would steal them, but I feel these lyrics fit the theme of this post. Besides, I'll just kick anyones butt who tries to steal them. I wrote this song back in December. It's called "Broken":
It’s hard
To admit when I’m in pain,
Cause in my mind
You’ll just walk away,
If I was honest
And told you about everything
Would still see me, the same
Have I fallen, too far to love?
I am broken, and can’t be enough,
How did I get here, feeling so alone?
I can’t see if you’re near, or if you’re gone
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough,
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
no
If I fell on my face,
Would you even notice?
If I spoke out of place,
Would you see me as broken?
Would you see me as broken
Today
Was hard getting up
I felt
More like giving up,
So strange
When all you wanna do is cry
And sometimes,
It’s what I have to do to sleep at night
Oh, no
Have I fallen, too far to love?
I feel broken, and like I am not enough
For you, to finally see who I am
I just wish somehow, you could understand
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
no-oh
Tonight
Oh,
If it’s all still the same
Could you for a second please be open?
If I’m not too late
Would you help me when I’m broken
If I feel out of place
Would you let your arms be open
I’m ashamed and hid my face
Could you please tell me, I don’t have to stay broken?
Broken, no, I don’t wanna be broken, no, not, anymore
O-oh
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
No, I don’t wanna be broken, anymore, no, no
I am on my knees
Showing you I am open
To life where I
Don’t have to stay broken,
Where the fear subsides
And I am feeling hopeful,
Would please show me
What it feels like to be made whole, again.
©SamiMusic 2012
Well, now that you've gotten to read some of my open and a bit depressing lyrics, here are a few songs that came to mind while I was typing all of this.
It's a little cliche, but I don't care. It's real, and it's how I feel.
"Why Not" be myself? :)
I feel this way a lot sometimes. It's a constant battle, and I'm feeling the pushing, pulling, and tugging of it all in my heart, mind, and spirit.
Anyways, thank you all so much for reading this, and I hope you were either inspired, or felt you could relate in some way or another. If not, that's ok. It was more of a venting blog this time anyways. :)
Love,
Samiiiiiiiiiiiii :)
