WARNING:THE FOLLOWING POST IS A VERY PERSONAL DIARY LIKE POST. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION AND UNDERSTANDING. THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A VENTING POST. Also, I wrote this back in late October. Thank you. Love, Samiiiiiiii
I should be doing homework. I should be getting my stuff done so that I can go bowling with a group of high school band students that are visiting. I should be focused. I shouldn't be wasting time.
I should be happy. I shouldn't be so upset over this. I shouldn't be upset at all. There are people out there with much worse problems than my selfish stupid insecurities, and issues. There are so many other things to focus my attention on. Poverty, starving children, people even in our own city who are struggling. I should be focused on helping them. I shouldn't be so self centered.
But I really just can't shake this. Is this because I missed my counseling appointment today? Is it because I missed the appointment last week as well due to break? Is it because my heart is breaking for one of my friends who had to leave campus for the week because she was hurting so much? Is it because a few of my friends heard most of my testimony and know every secret I have? Is it because I feel so vulnerable? Is that what this empty gut/heart feeling is? Nothings filling it. I pray, but it feels like my prayers are bouncing off the sky. It also feels like my trying is adding up to nothing. No matter what I do or say, it doesn't help. Others can help for a moment, but it's not long after that that things get rocky again. I'm struggling......and it's lonely. No matter what I tell others, no matter what I do about the situation, it still sucks. It just.....whatever. i don't even care anymore. I'm done. screw it all.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
"Sparks fly when we touch, It was never enough, It was just a crush"
Hello blogger world! I know, I haven't posted on here in forever! But, don't be sad, friends, because today, I'm going to talk to you about one subject that almost all girls can relate to: Boys. *Gasp!* Boys? OMG what Hottie McHottie do you have a mega crush on? Is he like, totes amazzzzze?? Ok, so, obviously I'm making a little bit of fun of the subject. :) And, if you do talk like that, than I'm sorry. Not trying to be offensive, just trying to have a little fun. :)
So, why am I talking about this, you may ask? Well, I'm talking about boys, or guys if that sounds better, because romance is something we ALL deal with, whether it be in heartbreak, heartache, love, crush, or just being happy being single. We all go through this kind of stuff, and we all deal with it, some in different ways than others. For me, I've had lots and lots of crushes over the years. But never a boyfriend. Of course, being 19 and having my life somewhat resemble the movie "Never Been Kissed" to some point can be difficult. I mean, I see my friends all, I guess for lack of a better word, "exploring" the world of dating. They go out, have fun, etc., etc. So why make such a big deal of this? Because. I mean, I'm honestly a hopeless romantic at heart. And I always see these romantic movies where the guy pursues the girl, who for some reason seems to think she's ugly when she's like a freaking super model, and everything always seems to work out in the end, no matter how imperfect the relationship had been throught the course of the movie, no matter how many times they fought, kissed, broke up, ignored each other, despised each other, and whatever else you can possibly think of, they always end up together. Which, I mean, I love that they are trying to show that relationships can work out and all, don't get me wrong. But what about those of us who are the real life girls who don't see ourselves as beautiful? What about those of us without perfect skin, or perfect bodies? What about those of us that are too shy to even speak up about we feel at the risk of getting rejected or made fun of? I don't know, maybe its just me, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I have the same personality as one of those shy girls that always ends up breaking out of her shell by the end of the movie, and yet in real life my prince charming is either nowhere to be seen or not interested. Am I the only one who feels the way? I mean, I used to HATE romantic movies because everything seemed so fake and mushy. I guess I still don't like movies that are purely romantic and dramatic. I'm sorrry if you like those movies, but they bother me so freaking much. I'd much rather sit down and watch a romantic comedy about some girl who is too scared to admit how she feels to the one she loves, trips and falls all over things, and is an amazing person that either just doesn't know how amazing they are, or is too afraid to own it. I guess I like that kind of character the best because that's how I act most of the time! I guess I just wished that the fairy tale, Hollywood ending would just happen to me, you know? Ok, admittedly, I just went on a bit of a rant there. Sorry. :)
So, now that we've covered the subject of romance in the movies (well, at least a smidgen of that subject), let's move onto the next subject that I have personally dealt with quite a bit in my life: unrequited love. Or, as it is more commonly known, crushes. Let's cut right to they chase on this one. They can either be super fun and awesome, or they can really REALLY suck. This is something at one point we have all either gone through, going to go through, or are going through. Now, those of us that have been there know that it's called a crush for a reason. What, you may ask, is that reason? Well, to answer your question, it is called a crush because it crushes you. Sounds painful, right? Well, in some cases, it is. But that doesn't mean all love like feelings are bad. Take it from a girl who has so been there before.
This calls for story time!! ;) All throughout my childhood, I had a crush on a boy. Since I was 3 or 4 years old, to be exact. Sounds a bit crazy, right? But it's not like it was always the same boy. But there was ALWAYS a crush that was either developing, fully grown, or in the downward spiral part of it all. It wasn't that sucky or anything, but it got old as time went on. Its like I was constantly searching for true love. Romance became more and more disappointing because I always got my hopes up for it, and every time, it'd never happen. Over time, I've begun to believe that the reason for this is because God has someone special for me, and that I shouldn't waste all my time on meaningless crushes that just resolve in heartache or heartbreak. But it isn't that easy to just turn off our hearts like that. I don't believe we were meant to shut off our hearts when something goes wrong. I believe we were meant to take those hardships and experiences, work through them, learn lessons in the process, and come out on the other end stronger than before. I think that applies to anything, not just love or crushes. Anyways, where were we again? Oh yeah, my non-existent love life. Well, it existed for me, but it didn't with the guys I liked.
That brings me to nowadays. Currently, I don't have a crush on anyone. Well, at least I thought I didn't. Now I'm not even sure. I mean, there is this one guy, but that's just a long story I don't feel like explaining. It's been so long since I've had a crush that I have no idea the difference between a crush and an interest is. However, I can say that I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm taking time to mentally recover from a physical illness, let my heart heal from hurts and scrapes from the past, and just learn who I am in the Lord. Not who a guy says I am, or who my friends say I am or should be, but who I am; who I was created to be. But believe me, if I fall in love, or go through heartache, all y'all will definitely hear about it!!
But, until then, I'll leave you with some advice. To those of you that are going through a crush, whether it be good or bad, or are hurting from a crush, if things don't exactly work out the way you have planned, don't give up on love, have faith, TAKE TIME TO RECOVER AND HEAL YOUR HEART, and then restart. But don't rush. I emphasized the take your time part for a reason. :) Just know that no matter what happens, you'll be fine in the end. Believe me, I know exactly what it feels like to fall for someone, and have it end up breaking every inch of your heart. I just recently started to feel whole again after having my heart really broken, and I know it hurts and takes a lot of time, but trust me. Everything that's happening is happening for a reason. And you'll be just fine in the end. :) Don't give up.
To those of you that have never ever ever had a crush, don't feel pressure to. There is no rush. Believe me, it is much better to be interested in no one at all then to worry, and panic, and then go from feeling like your heart is melting around them to feeling like a complete heartbroken fool. Whether you just haven't found someone that has caught your interest like that yet, or you just don't get the point of a crush, don't think too much about it. Let it happen when it happens, no matter what age you are. Just keep being yourself, and enjoy your life just the way it is. Besides, you have your whole life to think about love. The only love you need to fill your mind and heart with is the love of Jesus. :)
Well, sorry to cut this short, guys, but I could go on and on with this subject forever in so many different ways, and I just really don't feel like doing that today.
Well, as always, I have a few subject related song for you guys. Hopefully they help you in your current situation, or at least give you support or encouragement. Enjoy! :)
This song is just plain cute. :) It is currently one of my favorite love/crush songs. :)
You know that "crushing" part of crushes I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's what this song describes. "I wasn't really in love...."
So, why am I talking about this, you may ask? Well, I'm talking about boys, or guys if that sounds better, because romance is something we ALL deal with, whether it be in heartbreak, heartache, love, crush, or just being happy being single. We all go through this kind of stuff, and we all deal with it, some in different ways than others. For me, I've had lots and lots of crushes over the years. But never a boyfriend. Of course, being 19 and having my life somewhat resemble the movie "Never Been Kissed" to some point can be difficult. I mean, I see my friends all, I guess for lack of a better word, "exploring" the world of dating. They go out, have fun, etc., etc. So why make such a big deal of this? Because. I mean, I'm honestly a hopeless romantic at heart. And I always see these romantic movies where the guy pursues the girl, who for some reason seems to think she's ugly when she's like a freaking super model, and everything always seems to work out in the end, no matter how imperfect the relationship had been throught the course of the movie, no matter how many times they fought, kissed, broke up, ignored each other, despised each other, and whatever else you can possibly think of, they always end up together. Which, I mean, I love that they are trying to show that relationships can work out and all, don't get me wrong. But what about those of us who are the real life girls who don't see ourselves as beautiful? What about those of us without perfect skin, or perfect bodies? What about those of us that are too shy to even speak up about we feel at the risk of getting rejected or made fun of? I don't know, maybe its just me, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I have the same personality as one of those shy girls that always ends up breaking out of her shell by the end of the movie, and yet in real life my prince charming is either nowhere to be seen or not interested. Am I the only one who feels the way? I mean, I used to HATE romantic movies because everything seemed so fake and mushy. I guess I still don't like movies that are purely romantic and dramatic. I'm sorrry if you like those movies, but they bother me so freaking much. I'd much rather sit down and watch a romantic comedy about some girl who is too scared to admit how she feels to the one she loves, trips and falls all over things, and is an amazing person that either just doesn't know how amazing they are, or is too afraid to own it. I guess I like that kind of character the best because that's how I act most of the time! I guess I just wished that the fairy tale, Hollywood ending would just happen to me, you know? Ok, admittedly, I just went on a bit of a rant there. Sorry. :)
So, now that we've covered the subject of romance in the movies (well, at least a smidgen of that subject), let's move onto the next subject that I have personally dealt with quite a bit in my life: unrequited love. Or, as it is more commonly known, crushes. Let's cut right to they chase on this one. They can either be super fun and awesome, or they can really REALLY suck. This is something at one point we have all either gone through, going to go through, or are going through. Now, those of us that have been there know that it's called a crush for a reason. What, you may ask, is that reason? Well, to answer your question, it is called a crush because it crushes you. Sounds painful, right? Well, in some cases, it is. But that doesn't mean all love like feelings are bad. Take it from a girl who has so been there before.
This calls for story time!! ;) All throughout my childhood, I had a crush on a boy. Since I was 3 or 4 years old, to be exact. Sounds a bit crazy, right? But it's not like it was always the same boy. But there was ALWAYS a crush that was either developing, fully grown, or in the downward spiral part of it all. It wasn't that sucky or anything, but it got old as time went on. Its like I was constantly searching for true love. Romance became more and more disappointing because I always got my hopes up for it, and every time, it'd never happen. Over time, I've begun to believe that the reason for this is because God has someone special for me, and that I shouldn't waste all my time on meaningless crushes that just resolve in heartache or heartbreak. But it isn't that easy to just turn off our hearts like that. I don't believe we were meant to shut off our hearts when something goes wrong. I believe we were meant to take those hardships and experiences, work through them, learn lessons in the process, and come out on the other end stronger than before. I think that applies to anything, not just love or crushes. Anyways, where were we again? Oh yeah, my non-existent love life. Well, it existed for me, but it didn't with the guys I liked.
That brings me to nowadays. Currently, I don't have a crush on anyone. Well, at least I thought I didn't. Now I'm not even sure. I mean, there is this one guy, but that's just a long story I don't feel like explaining. It's been so long since I've had a crush that I have no idea the difference between a crush and an interest is. However, I can say that I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm taking time to mentally recover from a physical illness, let my heart heal from hurts and scrapes from the past, and just learn who I am in the Lord. Not who a guy says I am, or who my friends say I am or should be, but who I am; who I was created to be. But believe me, if I fall in love, or go through heartache, all y'all will definitely hear about it!!
But, until then, I'll leave you with some advice. To those of you that are going through a crush, whether it be good or bad, or are hurting from a crush, if things don't exactly work out the way you have planned, don't give up on love, have faith, TAKE TIME TO RECOVER AND HEAL YOUR HEART, and then restart. But don't rush. I emphasized the take your time part for a reason. :) Just know that no matter what happens, you'll be fine in the end. Believe me, I know exactly what it feels like to fall for someone, and have it end up breaking every inch of your heart. I just recently started to feel whole again after having my heart really broken, and I know it hurts and takes a lot of time, but trust me. Everything that's happening is happening for a reason. And you'll be just fine in the end. :) Don't give up.
To those of you that have never ever ever had a crush, don't feel pressure to. There is no rush. Believe me, it is much better to be interested in no one at all then to worry, and panic, and then go from feeling like your heart is melting around them to feeling like a complete heartbroken fool. Whether you just haven't found someone that has caught your interest like that yet, or you just don't get the point of a crush, don't think too much about it. Let it happen when it happens, no matter what age you are. Just keep being yourself, and enjoy your life just the way it is. Besides, you have your whole life to think about love. The only love you need to fill your mind and heart with is the love of Jesus. :)
Well, sorry to cut this short, guys, but I could go on and on with this subject forever in so many different ways, and I just really don't feel like doing that today.
Well, as always, I have a few subject related song for you guys. Hopefully they help you in your current situation, or at least give you support or encouragement. Enjoy! :)
This song is just plain cute. :) It is currently one of my favorite love/crush songs. :)
You know that "crushing" part of crushes I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that's what this song describes. "I wasn't really in love...."
"Fear Is Just A Lie, Open Up Your Eyes"
Alright, the question needs to be asked. Am I the only one who even reads this? I mean, if so, then I may just continue posting whatever is on my heart, but if not, then I may start being a bit more selective about what I say. But here's the thing: I don't want to be constantly self-conscious about what I write. Can't I just be honest without the fear of being judged, or mocked, or ridiculed? Besides, where does this fear of what everyone else thinks even stem from, anyways? I mean, yes, when I originally started this blog like 3 years ago, my intention for it was to be more like an open diary. But, now that I'm finding that an open diary is a stupid idea for the most part, I've changed it a bit. I mean, I'm still honest in it like a diary, but I want to use it for inspiring others instead.
Maybe it still is an open diary, but just in a different format. Anyways, why am I even contemplating all of this? What does it even matter? Look, bottom line is that my goal is to help others, whether it be through this blog, in person, whatever. So I'm going to continue writing about what matters to me, and if it helps someone through a rough time or inspires them, awesome! If not, too bad! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am putting my foot down. I just can't keep trying to impress people by saying what I think they want me to say. I need to be real. And the stuff I've been writing more and more recently (as in last September to now)? That's me being real. Or, at least, learning to be. Even if my thoughts are not actually private here, I'm still gonna pretend they are. I'd rather be fearless, say what I want, and have people hate me for it, then sit back and just let everyone dictate what I like, or think about, and be walked all over.
Aghhhhh. Judgmental people who have NO idea of the situation that is going on in someone's heart/life, yet continue to sit back and judge as if they are God themselves just freaking annoy me. You have no right to judge my past, or my life, and (pardon my language) you sure as hell have no business assuming that my future will be like my past. I KNOW and BELIEVE that my past is my past, and I am free from that because of Jesus!!! You have absolutely no idea about half of the things I've dealt with in my life OTHER than illness!! So please quit acting like you know me. You really don't. I swore I'd never be a girl that wrote one of those "none of you know me, blah blah blah whatever" speeches like this, but I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner, and pushed up into the wall. I'm at my breaking point, and instead of holding it all in and letting it take me down, I'm feeling it and dealing with it!!! This is me venting my feelings about just stupid crap that happens a LOT. And no, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm just being 100% honest. I'm just so sick of feeling as if everything I do and say just isn't spiritual enough, or perfect enough, or whatever. News flash: NO ONE except JESUS is PERFECT!!!! So PLEASE quit trying to make everyone feel bad about showing the scars on their hearts! I'm learning for me, the best way to break out of my shell and be fearless is to wear my heart on my sleeve, and be unashamed of my past! To all my friends who know me well, you know that I've struggled with shame, guilt, fear, rejection, and humiliation for a loooooooooong time now, and I'm just not gonna hold that back. Holding all that stuff back is what got me into trouble in the first place. So now, all that's left for me to do is to let it go, and feel the light come back into my heart. To feel His light in my heart is what I need. It's the only thing strong enough to break through the dark. And you know what? I've begun to actually feel healing in my heart from all this emotional and spiritual bondage now! It's amazing to me that I can actually be free from my past, but I'm learning I most definitely can be!! :D
Wow, that was a rant. How did I even get on that subject? Anyways, I have a lot I'd like to say, and if you stay tuned, and keep your ears and heart open, you'll learn a lot about me. I don't even know what this post is even about. I'm definitely ranting for no reason, and I can barely keep my eyes open. But, I feel it was important to get this all out. Oh, and by the way, a song did pop into my head as I was ranting. :) I'll post that below. :)
Thanks for reading my really random rant! Like I said, I'm exhausted, frustrated, and trying hard to stay optimistic. So, if you feel inclided to do so, prayer is always welcome!! :)
-Samiiiiiiii :)
Maybe it still is an open diary, but just in a different format. Anyways, why am I even contemplating all of this? What does it even matter? Look, bottom line is that my goal is to help others, whether it be through this blog, in person, whatever. So I'm going to continue writing about what matters to me, and if it helps someone through a rough time or inspires them, awesome! If not, too bad! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am putting my foot down. I just can't keep trying to impress people by saying what I think they want me to say. I need to be real. And the stuff I've been writing more and more recently (as in last September to now)? That's me being real. Or, at least, learning to be. Even if my thoughts are not actually private here, I'm still gonna pretend they are. I'd rather be fearless, say what I want, and have people hate me for it, then sit back and just let everyone dictate what I like, or think about, and be walked all over.
Aghhhhh. Judgmental people who have NO idea of the situation that is going on in someone's heart/life, yet continue to sit back and judge as if they are God themselves just freaking annoy me. You have no right to judge my past, or my life, and (pardon my language) you sure as hell have no business assuming that my future will be like my past. I KNOW and BELIEVE that my past is my past, and I am free from that because of Jesus!!! You have absolutely no idea about half of the things I've dealt with in my life OTHER than illness!! So please quit acting like you know me. You really don't. I swore I'd never be a girl that wrote one of those "none of you know me, blah blah blah whatever" speeches like this, but I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner, and pushed up into the wall. I'm at my breaking point, and instead of holding it all in and letting it take me down, I'm feeling it and dealing with it!!! This is me venting my feelings about just stupid crap that happens a LOT. And no, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm just being 100% honest. I'm just so sick of feeling as if everything I do and say just isn't spiritual enough, or perfect enough, or whatever. News flash: NO ONE except JESUS is PERFECT!!!! So PLEASE quit trying to make everyone feel bad about showing the scars on their hearts! I'm learning for me, the best way to break out of my shell and be fearless is to wear my heart on my sleeve, and be unashamed of my past! To all my friends who know me well, you know that I've struggled with shame, guilt, fear, rejection, and humiliation for a loooooooooong time now, and I'm just not gonna hold that back. Holding all that stuff back is what got me into trouble in the first place. So now, all that's left for me to do is to let it go, and feel the light come back into my heart. To feel His light in my heart is what I need. It's the only thing strong enough to break through the dark. And you know what? I've begun to actually feel healing in my heart from all this emotional and spiritual bondage now! It's amazing to me that I can actually be free from my past, but I'm learning I most definitely can be!! :D
Wow, that was a rant. How did I even get on that subject? Anyways, I have a lot I'd like to say, and if you stay tuned, and keep your ears and heart open, you'll learn a lot about me. I don't even know what this post is even about. I'm definitely ranting for no reason, and I can barely keep my eyes open. But, I feel it was important to get this all out. Oh, and by the way, a song did pop into my head as I was ranting. :) I'll post that below. :)
Thanks for reading my really random rant! Like I said, I'm exhausted, frustrated, and trying hard to stay optimistic. So, if you feel inclided to do so, prayer is always welcome!! :)
-Samiiiiiiii :)
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
"If I'm falling on my face, would your arms be open? Would you see me as broken?"
Why am I so scared?
That is the question that has been haunting my mind. Why? Why? Why do I let fear define me? I'm just so afraid of being myself. I want to show others who I am, but I don't even understand that myself. Who am I? I know, I know, I did this long blog post about who I am like a year ago, but I feel like a completely different person now, and I just want to know who I am.
This brings up another completely random, and unrelated topic. Why hasn't any boy ever taken any interest in me? I understood in High School that a boyfriend wasn't the best idea in that moment because I was dealing with so much other stuff. I understood that in middle school, elementary, and stuff I was just too young for that kind of stuff. But now I'm 20, and this is just plain painful. I've been putting myself out there, and putting my heart out on the line just to have it hang there. I feel like my heart has been suffocating, and is completely drained.
Even with this stupid boy I thought I liked. Ok, well, he's NOT stupid, I'm just frustrated. I suppose I missed my window of opportunity with him, but I just can't stand to give into something, let my heart get carried away, just to have nothing work out at all, and to have all this unresolved pain in my heart. He showed interest in me first, ok? I just wasn't ready at that time though, and he needs to understand that. Nothing wrong with him or whatever. MY heart was still in healing and in recovery. Then when I finally couldn't fight off the idea of liking him, and I finally just gave in, it hurt because he seemed like he no longer cared. Well, I am so freaking sorry, but I needed time to heal!! And now, I haven't got a clue if he likes me or not. This is all too much. I think it's time to move on, but he needs to know that there WAS a period of time when I really liked him back. Gosh, stupid boys. Stupid, stupid, annoying, distracting boys who want the perfectly skinny models. Whatever. I don't even wanna care about that anymore. But I can't help it. I may not be perfect, but I'm real. And in my eyes, I'd rather be real, and be beautiful and interesting because of that, instead of being a fake jerk. Whatever. I'm ranting, but I'm hurt, and confused, and frustrated. Gahhhhhhh!!!! Boys. :P
I'm drained. I'm sick of trying to make everyone like me. I'm sick of trying to be funny or whatever. I need to be real. Don't get me wrong, talking about old boy bands, songs, movies, and whatever else is fun, but I need to just open up and be real, and I feel like I can't. I feel surrounded by a sea of people, but none of them can see that I'm masking my heart. I feel like a fake half the time. Like if I showed everyone who I was, they would just walk away. I don't wanna push people away. So often I feel like God isn't exactly listening, or that He's just sick of me and my sinfulness, and He's just done with me. I know that I should know that's not at all how it is, but it's how it feels. What I feel is so real to me, and I feel like I must conceal it all behind these thick cement walls. I keep on going as if I have it all together, but the truth is, I'm freaking out. I even had a panic attack last night due to the fact that I feel like such a miserable failure, who just can't seem to get it right, and is faking. Yes, I am breaking apart, and I need some help staying together. I hate asking for any kind of help like this because I don't want others to see me as a whiny little baby who needs to grow up and get the heck over it, but there are times I just can't deny when I'm in pain, and need someone to lean on. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to rely on. (Oh wow, I'm gonna stop there. I got a bit too rhyme-y. haha)
But seriously. My best friends are in Kansas, Lincoln, and Texas. And the other person I felt close to here in Omaha has made it just a bit hard for me to fully trust them. I just want one person here to not leave me behind if I open up. I need someone who understands me. Someone I can fully relate to and have my OWN opinion around! I want to say what I want and feel and be able to still be loved and accepted. Not judged or anything. I've had enough judgement from others to last a life time. What I need now is someone to tell me I am strong, to tell me I am brave, and to see the warrior in me. I feel so looked down upon at times. Am I too nice? Is that it? I mean, I don't wanna be a witch, so I'm gonna be kind. But why is it that kindness and being walked all over tend to go hand in hand?
Don't push me around. I am my own person. Please respect that. I really would like some respect. Just like the song says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me". Cheesy and cliche? Yes. But as I have stated before, this is how I feel right now.
You know, I've never posted my own song lyrics on here out of the fear that someone would steal them, but I feel these lyrics fit the theme of this post. Besides, I'll just kick anyones butt who tries to steal them. I wrote this song back in December. It's called "Broken":
It’s hard
To admit when I’m in pain,
Cause in my mind
You’ll just walk away,
If I was honest
And told you about everything
Would still see me, the same
Have I fallen, too far to love?
I am broken, and can’t be enough,
How did I get here, feeling so alone?
I can’t see if you’re near, or if you’re gone
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough,
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
no
If I fell on my face,
Would you even notice?
If I spoke out of place,
Would you see me as broken?
Would you see me as broken
Today
Was hard getting up
I felt
More like giving up,
So strange
When all you wanna do is cry
And sometimes,
It’s what I have to do to sleep at night
Oh, no
Have I fallen, too far to love?
I feel broken, and like I am not enough
For you, to finally see who I am
I just wish somehow, you could understand
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
no-oh
Tonight
Oh,
If it’s all still the same
Could you for a second please be open?
If I’m not too late
Would you help me when I’m broken
If I feel out of place
Would you let your arms be open
I’m ashamed and hid my face
Could you please tell me, I don’t have to stay broken?
Broken, no, I don’t wanna be broken, no, not, anymore
O-oh
Can you hear me, or do I need to speak up?
Father, help me, I’m learning I’m just not strong enough
Break the madness, it’s an overwhelming kind of ride
I’m feeling helpless, and I just can’t get a grip tonight,
No, I don’t wanna be broken, anymore, no, no
I am on my knees
Showing you I am open
To life where I
Don’t have to stay broken,
Where the fear subsides
And I am feeling hopeful,
Would please show me
What it feels like to be made whole, again.
©SamiMusic 2012
Well, now that you've gotten to read some of my open and a bit depressing lyrics, here are a few songs that came to mind while I was typing all of this.
It's a little cliche, but I don't care. It's real, and it's how I feel.
"Why Not" be myself? :)
I feel this way a lot sometimes. It's a constant battle, and I'm feeling the pushing, pulling, and tugging of it all in my heart, mind, and spirit.
Anyways, thank you all so much for reading this, and I hope you were either inspired, or felt you could relate in some way or another. If not, that's ok. It was more of a venting blog this time anyways. :)
Love,
Samiiiiiiiiiiiii :)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Never Alone
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of loneliness. You see, I don't know exactly where I'm going next in my life (college and career wise), so in the meantime I've been staying here at home helping with laundry, dishes, etc. I've talked to people about this. Ok, well, mainly my parents and one of my best friends. But the thing is, if I admit to feeling alone, does that make me weak and unable to take care of myself? Or does it make me brave for reaching out for help? Either way, it seems like almost every day has tears of some kind involved. I don't understand it. Back in February, when I had a break down and talked about how alone I felt just being at home w/ my mom (who used to work from home), being away from friends and all, I admitted that I had been battling depression. Someone has suggested that maybe I ask my doctor about clinical depression, but I really didn't want to because I just knew that it was only the situation. I had just signed up for a program called "Fresh Start", which helped a TON, but things seemed to turn a bit more dark in October when my mom left to work in the office. Now that she has to work in the there, and I've been here on my own until like 6 or 7 pm, I've been feeling extra lonely. I mean, I used to be able to talk to my mom when she was here. But now she's just too tired to talk. And now that one of my best friends (the one that I hung out with a TON last year) moved to a different state, and my other bff is in college, its just been hard. Its like everyone knows how to move on but me right now. I know that what I need to do is apply to college. But when everyone is asking about what I'm going to do next, and trying to preach at me and tell me where to go, I get confused. I don't want to get pressured into anything. I want this to be my decision.
Part of my wants to scream in this blog that I feel alone. And helpless. And like I need help and encouragement. And then there is another part of me that doesn't want to make a big deal over myself and get people all worried if this is going to go away quickly. I'm not sure if this is situation induced depression, or if it is actual depression that needs treatment. I feel like if things got better in my life, I would get better and not be as depressed as well. But I don't know. What if it comes back? What if the devil tries to use it against me again? I feel like the devil wants to keep me here in isolation forever so that he can ruin all the the Lord has done in my life. I want to fight back but when I am alone, I can't seem to find any motivation for anything, and I feel like I can't fight back. Like I'm vulnerable. I feel stuck in a sea of nothingness. It sucks. I just want some way out of this depression. I know that there is sunshine beyond this rain, but it feels like tunnel vision. In fact, I feel like at times that my eyes have been darkened, and that I'm the size of an insect, with rain pouring down everywhere trying to drown me in sorrow, and like I'm trapped until something or someone comes and sets me free, and brings me back to real life. I want to be heard. I need to be heard. I know I'm never alone because I have God, but how come it feels like He's just disappeared? I'm scared. And alone. And cold. I want to feel the warmth of His light again. I need Him. God, can you hear me? Can you see me? I NEED YOU!!! PLEASE rescue me, Lord!!!! This is me crying out for help, Lord!!!
I guess I just have to continue reminding myself that I'm not alone, and that this whole loneliness thing are just lies that the devil would love to make me believe. I will not believe those lies. I have to continue to fight. No matter what. I just have to keep holding on. I can make it. Because I have the Lord on my side, I will stay strong. He makes me strong. HE won't let me go. Not now, not ever.
This was more of a personal diary entry than a blog, so thank you so much if you read it, and if you didn't, thats cool too. lol. :)
Once again, thank you so much for reading this, fellow blog readers. :)
<3 Sami :)
I've been trying to listen to these songs for encouragement recently:
(hopefully they will encourage you too if you are going through a rough time)
Meredith Andrews-"You're Not Alone"
Meredith Andrews-"Can Anybody Hear Me"
Part of my wants to scream in this blog that I feel alone. And helpless. And like I need help and encouragement. And then there is another part of me that doesn't want to make a big deal over myself and get people all worried if this is going to go away quickly. I'm not sure if this is situation induced depression, or if it is actual depression that needs treatment. I feel like if things got better in my life, I would get better and not be as depressed as well. But I don't know. What if it comes back? What if the devil tries to use it against me again? I feel like the devil wants to keep me here in isolation forever so that he can ruin all the the Lord has done in my life. I want to fight back but when I am alone, I can't seem to find any motivation for anything, and I feel like I can't fight back. Like I'm vulnerable. I feel stuck in a sea of nothingness. It sucks. I just want some way out of this depression. I know that there is sunshine beyond this rain, but it feels like tunnel vision. In fact, I feel like at times that my eyes have been darkened, and that I'm the size of an insect, with rain pouring down everywhere trying to drown me in sorrow, and like I'm trapped until something or someone comes and sets me free, and brings me back to real life. I want to be heard. I need to be heard. I know I'm never alone because I have God, but how come it feels like He's just disappeared? I'm scared. And alone. And cold. I want to feel the warmth of His light again. I need Him. God, can you hear me? Can you see me? I NEED YOU!!! PLEASE rescue me, Lord!!!! This is me crying out for help, Lord!!!
I guess I just have to continue reminding myself that I'm not alone, and that this whole loneliness thing are just lies that the devil would love to make me believe. I will not believe those lies. I have to continue to fight. No matter what. I just have to keep holding on. I can make it. Because I have the Lord on my side, I will stay strong. He makes me strong. HE won't let me go. Not now, not ever.
This was more of a personal diary entry than a blog, so thank you so much if you read it, and if you didn't, thats cool too. lol. :)
Once again, thank you so much for reading this, fellow blog readers. :)
<3 Sami :)
I've been trying to listen to these songs for encouragement recently:
(hopefully they will encourage you too if you are going through a rough time)
Meredith Andrews-"You're Not Alone"
Meredith Andrews-"Can Anybody Hear Me"
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Gift Of A Friend
The gift of a friend. What exactly does that mean? To me, it sounds like it means that friendship is a gift that should not be wasted or taken for granted. Think about it. A gift is something someone gives you. It is something that is received. When we think about friendship as being a gift, it reminds us that friendship is not always just assumed. True, different personalities play into this, but for most, whether you are super out going, or extremely shy, or just somewhere in between the two, a person's friendship is theirs to give, not ours to take. So why do we take advantage of it so much?
As a child, I struggles a LOT with finding good, solid friends that would stick with me for life. I was never mean to any of them, it's just that in their eyes, I wasn't fit to be part of their group or clique. My first best friend experience happened in 1st grade. This girl and I were pretty much best friends. Or so, that's how I saw it. The next year, this girl decided to not hang out with me as much, and start making someone else her best friend. Now, in elementary school, these kinds of things happen quite a bit. But for me, I wanted to be loyal. So seeing my best friend no longer have an interest in me was very hard to understand. I didn't quite get it, and at times, people had to flat out just tell me in a very harsh way that they just didn't like me anymore. Hurtful? Oh yes. Little did I know that scars were being left in my heart, and I would have to deal with this later in my life. After that, it seemed as if the pattern would just repeat over and over again each year until I just knew that I didn't really have a best friend. That's why I think it was so hurtful when I heard people say as kids that they were best friends. Because I didn't know how that felt or what it was really supposed to mean.
Later on, as I got older in elementary school, my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me, and I started to hang out a lot. We had a TON of play dates, we had sleepovers, etc., etc. We even started a band together and wrote 2 songs together. I can't even describe how fun that was. But I knew her and I both subtly "battled" all the time for control of the friendship. She had a strong will, and I knew because I was older, I didn't have to take it. So, at times, we butted heads. A lot..... But, the good news is that it never ruined our friendship. But I feel that I did later. I remember in 7th grade sitting in her dad's office, with just her and I alone, and I told her the hard news that I didn't want to be in a band with her anymore because I didn't like how she sang. I feel so stupid for acting so judgmental and jerk like. I was acting like exactly like the girls who had treated me badly as a kid, and told me they didn't like me right to my face. What a mean and horrible thing to do.
At times I wonder if I hadn't done that if her and I would have still been best friends. I wonder at times if she would have continued to work on her singing. I wonder if she would have not tried so hard to be different, but just know that she is perfectly fine just to way she is. I regret every day how I treated her. I just wish she could see how sorry I am that I pushed her away.
To that person, if you are reading this, I am so incredibly from the bottom of my heart sorry for the way I treated you. After all, didn't we always used to say that we were best friends/cousins/just-like-sisters? :) Either way, just know that I never meant to hurt you, not even back then. Love you. :)
Now, with that, lets continue. Throughout the rest of middle school/JR High, I still face the same old "lets be bffs this year, but I'll forget you next year" game, that is, up until 8th grade. In 8th grade, I got yet another taste of what a best friendship is like. I met Liv, and I re-united with Bai. :) Now, Liv was somewhat new to Omaha, and Bai and I had met in 2nd grade Sunday school. :) We were never "best best friends" as kids, but we did have a few play dates. :) I remember in 3rd grade, she came to the school I was at, but sadly, after 4th grade, she moved to Pennsylvania for 3 years. But, I knew that night when her & I sat on the front porch steps (we were part of a small 7th grade girls-before 8th grade- bible study) and talked literally from the time we re-united to the time my mom came to pick me up, there was something special there. :)
Little did I know that 2 years later, I would get sick, testing both of our faith and our friendship. I can say that everything we went through both together and apart during that time made our friendships stronger. Liv, Bai, & I were inseparable. That is, until Bai, my bff that I love like a sister, went off to college. I was scared that I was losing her. And I felt that if I didn't say something quickly, she'd lose me too. But, thankfully, we sorted it all out in a super duper long, yet extremely important and meaningful e-mail. I can say I love her like a sister more that ever, and I pray that nothing would ever tear us apart. Best friends for LIFE. Remember that, girl. I love you, a LOT!!!!!!! :))))))
Now, even though Bailey had left, I still had Liv. And her and I grew closer too, but she recently moved to TX to follow her dreams of being in fashion. :) Thankfully, I also now have a ton more friends in my college group at church that I hope to keep for life, and friends even outside of there.
You see, I've grown from the shy, scared, insecure(ok, so I still struggle with being insecure sometimes), clingy girl who just wanted to be loved, to a brave, confident, and strong young woman of God, who KNOWS that no matter what, she is loved. I am LOVED. No matter what. And all those scars that were marked on my heart, He has healed them. All of them. I love his healing. What a beautiful mystery it is. :)
So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is what I am thankful for: I can't describe to you how thankful I am for friends. I don't mean that in a vague or shallow way, either. I am truly, truly grateful for all of the friends the Lord has blessed me with. And I know now that the friendships that don't really exist anymore aren't because I caused it. It's because He allowed me to go in a different way so that I could meet friends that would love me for me. I now realize that He has blessed me in so many ways.
It's funny how as kids, we don't quite understand the value of friendship. And no, I don't mean value as in the happy meal or value menu at McDonald's. I mean the beauty, the love, the care, the GIFT of a friend. It's someone you can cry with for no reason. It someone you can trust in a time of need. It's someone you can laugh with over silly things, both big and little. It's someone to share joy with. Someone to listen. Someone to say, even if they don't know how to help yet, "I'm here for you". That's friendship. Celebrating moments together, praying for one another, going on crazy adventures together, that's friendship.
And you want to know something? There will be times in our lives where we will feel lonely. It will happen. But it doesn't mean you are alone. You are not forgotten. You are not nothing. You are a beautiful creation, made by the one and only God Almighty. HE created you, HE LOVES YOU, HE desires to be close to you. To have a friendship with you. In the end, even though we are being blessed with fellow human being to help us through life, they might fail you, but HE NEVER WILL. HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!! Don't give up hope.
"Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more"- Christina Perry, "A Thousand Years"
I feel like the Lord is saying this to you, and to me as well, as a testament of his undying, and unfailing love for you. He will never leave you. Just trust in him.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13 (NIV)
He's known us since before we were born, and has desired to show us His love from the second we were conceived.
Even if your friends and family leave you, HE never will. The ultimate best friend. He is truly our first example of what A Gift Of A Friend really is. His son Jesus is our gift. HE is the gift of a friend.
Friendship is a gift not to be wasted. Don't waste it or spend anymore time with out it. It is worth every bit of your heart. I promise, He will not break your heart. He only desires to mend it. :)
And that my friends is the most beautiful gift of all.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you were inspired, or started to perspire or something. :) Love you all. :)
<3 Sami :))))
Don't mean to have a cheesy ending to this, but listen to the words of this song:
"Gift Of A Friend" by Demi Lovato
(lyrics video version)
We Have a friend in Jesus. ALWAYS. :)
As a child, I struggles a LOT with finding good, solid friends that would stick with me for life. I was never mean to any of them, it's just that in their eyes, I wasn't fit to be part of their group or clique. My first best friend experience happened in 1st grade. This girl and I were pretty much best friends. Or so, that's how I saw it. The next year, this girl decided to not hang out with me as much, and start making someone else her best friend. Now, in elementary school, these kinds of things happen quite a bit. But for me, I wanted to be loyal. So seeing my best friend no longer have an interest in me was very hard to understand. I didn't quite get it, and at times, people had to flat out just tell me in a very harsh way that they just didn't like me anymore. Hurtful? Oh yes. Little did I know that scars were being left in my heart, and I would have to deal with this later in my life. After that, it seemed as if the pattern would just repeat over and over again each year until I just knew that I didn't really have a best friend. That's why I think it was so hurtful when I heard people say as kids that they were best friends. Because I didn't know how that felt or what it was really supposed to mean.
Later on, as I got older in elementary school, my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me, and I started to hang out a lot. We had a TON of play dates, we had sleepovers, etc., etc. We even started a band together and wrote 2 songs together. I can't even describe how fun that was. But I knew her and I both subtly "battled" all the time for control of the friendship. She had a strong will, and I knew because I was older, I didn't have to take it. So, at times, we butted heads. A lot..... But, the good news is that it never ruined our friendship. But I feel that I did later. I remember in 7th grade sitting in her dad's office, with just her and I alone, and I told her the hard news that I didn't want to be in a band with her anymore because I didn't like how she sang. I feel so stupid for acting so judgmental and jerk like. I was acting like exactly like the girls who had treated me badly as a kid, and told me they didn't like me right to my face. What a mean and horrible thing to do.
At times I wonder if I hadn't done that if her and I would have still been best friends. I wonder at times if she would have continued to work on her singing. I wonder if she would have not tried so hard to be different, but just know that she is perfectly fine just to way she is. I regret every day how I treated her. I just wish she could see how sorry I am that I pushed her away.
To that person, if you are reading this, I am so incredibly from the bottom of my heart sorry for the way I treated you. After all, didn't we always used to say that we were best friends/cousins/just-like-sisters? :) Either way, just know that I never meant to hurt you, not even back then. Love you. :)
Now, with that, lets continue. Throughout the rest of middle school/JR High, I still face the same old "lets be bffs this year, but I'll forget you next year" game, that is, up until 8th grade. In 8th grade, I got yet another taste of what a best friendship is like. I met Liv, and I re-united with Bai. :) Now, Liv was somewhat new to Omaha, and Bai and I had met in 2nd grade Sunday school. :) We were never "best best friends" as kids, but we did have a few play dates. :) I remember in 3rd grade, she came to the school I was at, but sadly, after 4th grade, she moved to Pennsylvania for 3 years. But, I knew that night when her & I sat on the front porch steps (we were part of a small 7th grade girls-before 8th grade- bible study) and talked literally from the time we re-united to the time my mom came to pick me up, there was something special there. :)
Little did I know that 2 years later, I would get sick, testing both of our faith and our friendship. I can say that everything we went through both together and apart during that time made our friendships stronger. Liv, Bai, & I were inseparable. That is, until Bai, my bff that I love like a sister, went off to college. I was scared that I was losing her. And I felt that if I didn't say something quickly, she'd lose me too. But, thankfully, we sorted it all out in a super duper long, yet extremely important and meaningful e-mail. I can say I love her like a sister more that ever, and I pray that nothing would ever tear us apart. Best friends for LIFE. Remember that, girl. I love you, a LOT!!!!!!! :))))))
Now, even though Bailey had left, I still had Liv. And her and I grew closer too, but she recently moved to TX to follow her dreams of being in fashion. :) Thankfully, I also now have a ton more friends in my college group at church that I hope to keep for life, and friends even outside of there.
You see, I've grown from the shy, scared, insecure(ok, so I still struggle with being insecure sometimes), clingy girl who just wanted to be loved, to a brave, confident, and strong young woman of God, who KNOWS that no matter what, she is loved. I am LOVED. No matter what. And all those scars that were marked on my heart, He has healed them. All of them. I love his healing. What a beautiful mystery it is. :)
So, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is what I am thankful for: I can't describe to you how thankful I am for friends. I don't mean that in a vague or shallow way, either. I am truly, truly grateful for all of the friends the Lord has blessed me with. And I know now that the friendships that don't really exist anymore aren't because I caused it. It's because He allowed me to go in a different way so that I could meet friends that would love me for me. I now realize that He has blessed me in so many ways.
It's funny how as kids, we don't quite understand the value of friendship. And no, I don't mean value as in the happy meal or value menu at McDonald's. I mean the beauty, the love, the care, the GIFT of a friend. It's someone you can cry with for no reason. It someone you can trust in a time of need. It's someone you can laugh with over silly things, both big and little. It's someone to share joy with. Someone to listen. Someone to say, even if they don't know how to help yet, "I'm here for you". That's friendship. Celebrating moments together, praying for one another, going on crazy adventures together, that's friendship.
And you want to know something? There will be times in our lives where we will feel lonely. It will happen. But it doesn't mean you are alone. You are not forgotten. You are not nothing. You are a beautiful creation, made by the one and only God Almighty. HE created you, HE LOVES YOU, HE desires to be close to you. To have a friendship with you. In the end, even though we are being blessed with fellow human being to help us through life, they might fail you, but HE NEVER WILL. HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!! Don't give up hope.
"Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more"- Christina Perry, "A Thousand Years"
I feel like the Lord is saying this to you, and to me as well, as a testament of his undying, and unfailing love for you. He will never leave you. Just trust in him.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb." - Psalm 139:13 (NIV)
He's known us since before we were born, and has desired to show us His love from the second we were conceived.
Even if your friends and family leave you, HE never will. The ultimate best friend. He is truly our first example of what A Gift Of A Friend really is. His son Jesus is our gift. HE is the gift of a friend.
Friendship is a gift not to be wasted. Don't waste it or spend anymore time with out it. It is worth every bit of your heart. I promise, He will not break your heart. He only desires to mend it. :)
And that my friends is the most beautiful gift of all.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you were inspired, or started to perspire or something. :) Love you all. :)
<3 Sami :))))
Don't mean to have a cheesy ending to this, but listen to the words of this song:
"Gift Of A Friend" by Demi Lovato
(lyrics video version)
We Have a friend in Jesus. ALWAYS. :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Who I Am
So, I know I said I have abandoned this blog, but I think it's time for it to have a "Fresh Start"......heehee. *hint hint*
I sort of had a breakthrough tonight. Via a mixture of multiple things tonight, I had a major sense of peace and understanding tonight. And here's why.
Over the past few weeks, I've struggled with what I thought was explainable depression. I tried to analyze the situation from every direction I could, however, that solved nothing. You see, my best friend is moving to Texas again. Last week she broke the news to me that she was accepting a job in Dallas to be a Jewelry Designing Apprentice. Now, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for her! We have been through so much together, and I want nothing more than to support her. However, I've been feeling strange about it. Or so I thought that's what it was. I thought my problem was that I wasn't handling this situation or change well. And, well, considering my past, I'd say that that would be a pretty accurate statement. But that still wasn't the problem. The problem was with myself. I was feeling insecure and unsure of who I was. And I was unable to see that this was true until I sat in a teen/college Fresh Start class, and heard a testimony of how someone was unsure of their-self due to a mentor that they were putting all their trust and approval in.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering what this could possible have to do with anything. But stay with me. There IS a point to all of this. You see, I realized in that moment that what I was dealing with wasn't necessarily change or worry of what I was going to do without her. I was worried about my identity. I was worried about who I had been, and who I was going to have to be from now on.
Identity is an issue of Shame. I was ashamed of my situation. I was embarrassed that despite how hard I have worked just to prove that I can and will graduate from high school--despite the many challenges I have faced, I still wasn't feeling accomplished, or "good enough". I found myself sitting in my chair asking over and over again, "Who Am I?" For the first time in my life, I was honestly asking "Who Am I?". Now, I could quote the famous and popular Casting Crown song "Who Am I", and tell you that 'I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind', but that doesn't help solve anything. As a matter of fact, in that moment, that made me feel worse. Although I love that song, it wasn't the answer I needed or was looking for. Seconds after I thought about that, the Bethany Dillon song "I Am Yours" popped in my head. It was almost like God was reminding me of this statement. And that's when it occurred to me that I am simply His. The chorus of that song states about 4 times, "I Am Yours".
So do you see what I mean? Isn't it so simple? I was astonished to think that it didn't matter that I had been wondering where I belonged, or where I fit in, or what I was going to do in the next 10 minutes. What mattered was not what I have done, or what I have been, or where I have come from. Not even my plans for the future can define me. What defines me is something extremely special. Something the world cannot give me. I'm sure you were probably wondering where the story in the beginning tied in all of this, but this is where. That friendship was being used for selfish purposes on both sides. I used it so that I would never be alone, and she used it so that she could have someone to control. But you see, my friendships don't even define who I am. I am not them, and they are not me. I am created uniquely. You see My DNA is not like anyone. Every hair on my head was created special. Every interest I have, every beautiful story, every thought, every song---it is my own, but not because I have placed it there. Oh, no. It is because HE had placed it them all there. Every story, song, interest, thought, etc. is a gift from God. Why? Because I am HIS. I am His. I AM HIS!!!!
I believe this is conformation of a interpretation my father (earthly) gave me a few nights ago of a dream I had had a few years ago (shortly before I knew Jesus).
In my dream, I was sitting in a chair in our living room, facing the room, with my back to the wall. There was a man who looked like my father, but was about 3 feet taller (my dad is about 6'0), and had his hands on my shoulders firmly, in a protective fashion, and I couldn't move. But it was not harmful. I knew I was safe.
I told my dad about this dream I had had, and how I knew that having my "father" behind me was really representing God, my Father, standing behind me in support, and letting me know that He isn't going to let me go.
My dad thought about this, and then a few minutes later, as if a light bulb had come on, he popped back into the room and told me that the Lord was telling him that it meant I was His. The word he got was "She Is Mine". And that the way He stood behind me with His hands on my shoulders was a proclamation to everyone that "She Is Mine".
So tonight, when I realized that my identity is in Him, and Him alone, it made sense. Everything made sense. And suddenly, I was at peace with everything. There was a calmness deep within my soul. I was worried about nothing. I was at war with NOTHING. Because in my heart, I finally understood who I was. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to receive my "Daughterhood". I am HIS. How much more beautifully simple could it be?
I AM HIS.
What more could I possibly need? With that, I am complete.
Thank you so much for reading this.:)
<3 Samiii :)
Psalm 139:14
New International Version (NIV)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
I sort of had a breakthrough tonight. Via a mixture of multiple things tonight, I had a major sense of peace and understanding tonight. And here's why.
Over the past few weeks, I've struggled with what I thought was explainable depression. I tried to analyze the situation from every direction I could, however, that solved nothing. You see, my best friend is moving to Texas again. Last week she broke the news to me that she was accepting a job in Dallas to be a Jewelry Designing Apprentice. Now, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier for her! We have been through so much together, and I want nothing more than to support her. However, I've been feeling strange about it. Or so I thought that's what it was. I thought my problem was that I wasn't handling this situation or change well. And, well, considering my past, I'd say that that would be a pretty accurate statement. But that still wasn't the problem. The problem was with myself. I was feeling insecure and unsure of who I was. And I was unable to see that this was true until I sat in a teen/college Fresh Start class, and heard a testimony of how someone was unsure of their-self due to a mentor that they were putting all their trust and approval in.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering what this could possible have to do with anything. But stay with me. There IS a point to all of this. You see, I realized in that moment that what I was dealing with wasn't necessarily change or worry of what I was going to do without her. I was worried about my identity. I was worried about who I had been, and who I was going to have to be from now on.
Identity is an issue of Shame. I was ashamed of my situation. I was embarrassed that despite how hard I have worked just to prove that I can and will graduate from high school--despite the many challenges I have faced, I still wasn't feeling accomplished, or "good enough". I found myself sitting in my chair asking over and over again, "Who Am I?" For the first time in my life, I was honestly asking "Who Am I?". Now, I could quote the famous and popular Casting Crown song "Who Am I", and tell you that 'I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind', but that doesn't help solve anything. As a matter of fact, in that moment, that made me feel worse. Although I love that song, it wasn't the answer I needed or was looking for. Seconds after I thought about that, the Bethany Dillon song "I Am Yours" popped in my head. It was almost like God was reminding me of this statement. And that's when it occurred to me that I am simply His. The chorus of that song states about 4 times, "I Am Yours".
So do you see what I mean? Isn't it so simple? I was astonished to think that it didn't matter that I had been wondering where I belonged, or where I fit in, or what I was going to do in the next 10 minutes. What mattered was not what I have done, or what I have been, or where I have come from. Not even my plans for the future can define me. What defines me is something extremely special. Something the world cannot give me. I'm sure you were probably wondering where the story in the beginning tied in all of this, but this is where. That friendship was being used for selfish purposes on both sides. I used it so that I would never be alone, and she used it so that she could have someone to control. But you see, my friendships don't even define who I am. I am not them, and they are not me. I am created uniquely. You see My DNA is not like anyone. Every hair on my head was created special. Every interest I have, every beautiful story, every thought, every song---it is my own, but not because I have placed it there. Oh, no. It is because HE had placed it them all there. Every story, song, interest, thought, etc. is a gift from God. Why? Because I am HIS. I am His. I AM HIS!!!!
I believe this is conformation of a interpretation my father (earthly) gave me a few nights ago of a dream I had had a few years ago (shortly before I knew Jesus).
In my dream, I was sitting in a chair in our living room, facing the room, with my back to the wall. There was a man who looked like my father, but was about 3 feet taller (my dad is about 6'0), and had his hands on my shoulders firmly, in a protective fashion, and I couldn't move. But it was not harmful. I knew I was safe.
I told my dad about this dream I had had, and how I knew that having my "father" behind me was really representing God, my Father, standing behind me in support, and letting me know that He isn't going to let me go.
My dad thought about this, and then a few minutes later, as if a light bulb had come on, he popped back into the room and told me that the Lord was telling him that it meant I was His. The word he got was "She Is Mine". And that the way He stood behind me with His hands on my shoulders was a proclamation to everyone that "She Is Mine".
So tonight, when I realized that my identity is in Him, and Him alone, it made sense. Everything made sense. And suddenly, I was at peace with everything. There was a calmness deep within my soul. I was worried about nothing. I was at war with NOTHING. Because in my heart, I finally understood who I was. For the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to receive my "Daughterhood". I am HIS. How much more beautifully simple could it be?
I AM HIS.
What more could I possibly need? With that, I am complete.
Thank you so much for reading this.:)
<3 Samiii :)
Psalm 139:14
New International Version (NIV)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
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